It’s a fun word. Until recently I’d not heard of it, but it started coming up in some reading Mrs. AP and I had been doing, and we being the ever curious types, we looked it up. According to the Demisexual Resource Center, demisexuality is defined as
a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity.
As you well know if you’ve read any of the tales of the sexual exploits and explorations in which Mrs. AP and I have endeavored together, the latter half of that definiion — “some have little to no interest in sexual activity” — is not applicable to Mrs. AP or myself. We are delightfully sexually vibrant (well, not always, but we all have our down times, don’t we?) However, when Mrs. AP read the first part of that definition she had to stop reading and collect herself. In stunned meditation she processed what she had read, then read it again carefully to confirm she’d not missed anything, before quietly saying “… that’s me!”
I believe this revelation helps us refocus on who we are as individuals and as a couple, and how to tie that in with my previous post — because we’ve had no luck so far finding a wonderful man for us to date. It also means there’s some reorganizing with our online profiles.
Oh goodness, the annual “things I want to accomplish” lists that start filling every inch of visible screen space in social media circles this time of year seems endless and almost like a wasted exercise at times, yes? However, to better remind myself and to hold myself accountable, here’s some things I’d like to see happen this year.
1) Mrs. AP and I have sex more often. Between my health issues, her giving birth, and all the stress last year our frequency slipped. It’s time to reconnect, intimately as well as physically.
2) Have more threesomes with Bi Men. We only had one threesome last year, and that didn’t even see any guy-on-guy action.
3) Suck a cock until I’m swallowing his cum. We had a string of bad luck there, where our partners couldn’t pop from oral. I want to fix that. I’ve not fully tasted another guy since 2009, back before I met Mrs. AP. I want her to watch me drain a guy dry and then revive him so she can mount him.
4) Bring some more adventure back into our play. The kink left alongside the regular intervals. I want to buy several Liberator Fascinator Throes so that I can get Mrs. AP squirting everywhere without risking our mattress. I want her to buy those strapons she’s been eyeing so she can peg me more frequently. It’s tricky, what with Baby Girl’s crib in our room, but if we work at it I believe we can get the non-vanilla flavors back into our sexual recipes.
5) Write here more often. I was awarded well for my efforts after I launched this space nearly 3 years ago, but multiple setbacks knocked me right out of the writing spirit and it’s taken quite some time for me to find the time and confidence again. I may not ever make the “best of” lists put out by the likes of Rori or Modesty again but I’m okay with that. This is my release, my space to which I come for all manner of things related to love and sex. The recognition is admittedly thrilling but ultimately this writing is about me. I’d forgotten that for a long time. No more.
Stay SINful, friends.
As my most recent post details, I’ve had some health issues of late that have compounded or correlated with a lackluster libido. Thankfully both the health and the libido issues are being resolved — I’ve been off antibiotics for nearly 48 hours and am starting to feel a slight increase in my energy levels — and I can get back to my sexy self.
But what is my sexy self?
As a former athlete who now resides in a non-athletic body, I often times find myself fighting the disconnect between the way I perceived myself as sexy when I had nary an ounce of body fat and had stamina for hours of continuous rigorous exercise versus the current state, where my midsection is protruding more than I’d like and I can’t even walk 5 flights of stairs without getting winded. My body and my mind are not in agreement over my current state at all, which often leads to silly things like me thinking I really can run after the kids at the park without killing myself.
This past month, in which I’ve stayed in two different hospitals, has led me to resolve to change my lifestyle, which in turn will (I hope) lead me back into My Lifestyles.
Mrs. AP and I had a night out Friday night with SCS and her boyfriend. Well, I should rephrase: half the night was SCS and several of her other friends, the other half of the night SCS’ boyfriend joined us. He was busy for the first half of the night with an income-producing venture, yet he’s currently without clearance to drive, so SCS provides him transportation whenever such opportunities present themselves.
Mrs. AP and I were both feeling better than we had previously in the month, mostly thanks to rest over the previous few days and a healthy dose of drugs designed to let us behave as normal human beings again. While we’re both rather traditionalist and wary of what substances we ingest, thank goodness for modern medicine!
Over the course of the many discussions held over the evening, one theme became apparent; SCS and her boyfriend quite often live very separate lives. Granted, they’ve only been living together a short while, but it struck Mrs. AP and I as being a bit odd that a committed couple would be relatively heavily involved in having social lives that often do not involve one’s partner. Mrs. AP and I simply do not operate that way.
The past few weeks have been the most interesting — and by interesting I mean alternating between frustrating and exhilarating — time for Mrs. AP and I. When last we spoke, Mrs. AP and I were both feeling rather rejuvenated following a wonderful time out at a live electronic dance music show. This warm uplifting afterglow continued only a few more days before we both started coming down sick. First Mrs. AP, followed by myself a few days later, fell brutal victim to something that resulted in sinuses wanting to erupt like Krakatoa before the whole attacking system move south into the chest. As a former asthmatic, I have not felt pressure like that in my chest, nor coughed that long as hard, since my pre-teen days. This felt like every sports team in New York had decided to permanently squat upon my lungs for days. Whatever it is that assaulted me, I do not recommend it.
In the midst of this descending corruption of our immune systems, Mrs. AP and I managed to get in another Friday night with our friends from the dance floor. SCS has some business plan in mind and wanted Mrs. AP, who has a keen financial acumen, to review her plans. The venue of the meeting wasn’t the most conducive to discussing business plans, and all of us where in some portion of not feeling our best, so the discussion was more generalized than specific. It may end up being a worthwhile endeavor with which Mrs. AP and I may be involved, but right now a great many of the details still have to be flushed out. We’ll have to see how well further discussions along that vein run. Besides, one of the fastest ways to kill a friendship is to mix it with business ventures, and we’d rather keep friends than lose them if we can.
Speaking of keeping and losing friends, things appear to have gone rather sideways with Our Crush. We had a lovely time with him later in the night after our night out at the live show, and thought we’d made progress toward establishing a good on between us all. Mrs. AP and I may have been mistaken in that regard; in the two weeks since our last time together, Our Crush has initiated a conversation with one of us fewer than 5 combined times. As a result, Mrs. AP and I are feeling rather disheartened.
May your Valentine’s Day be filled with love, lust, kink, and all things related to delicious debauchery. Oh yes, and play safely.
Stay SINful, friends
This past Friday was good for Mrs. AP and I in ways neither of us foresaw! We both feel alive in ways we’d forgotten. I’ve re-fallen in love with her, awakened anew to how amazing and beautiful a woman she is. Music I once adored and then let drift away from my consciousness has slammed back into me with the force of a lightning strike. Even work, which I had grown to dread, is now just a slight annoyance. My step has bounce. For that matter, so does my sit; I have danced in my chair nearly endlessly the past few nights.
Furthermore, our social calendar has metamorphosed from dusty and barren to teaming with life! Old friendships are being rekindled, new friendships are budding, and our relationship with Our Crush is steadily blossoming. For the first time that I can recall we are coordinating schedules with multiple people outside the home. Events, gatherings, and perhaps even potential dates are being discussed more than one week in advance. These changes are wholeheartedly welcome and embraced! We surely have needed them!
I wish just such happiness on all of you as well.
Stay SINful, friends.
Along with the historic votes on Marriage Equality in four states in the United States in November, 2012 also came two historic decriminalization measures passed in the stats of Colorado and Washington. With the passing of these measures there now exists the regulated control of previously illegal substances — specifically marijuana, which is still illegal at the federal level — with which consenting adults can choose to alter their mental states. Until a recent bout of agony did I begin to understand the appeal.
Dating is a confusing enough subject between only 2 people these days. If it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be things like college lectures on how hook-up culture is killing dating. Run a Google Search for Modern Dating, and the top results include multiple posts via the Huffington Post and a (self serving?) post on Match.com. Nearly every magazine available in the checkout line at the larger grocery stores include articles on how to date, how to look best for the first date, how to behave on the first date, how to hold attention after the first date, etc. Constantly there is this bombardment on how and why and when and who to date. The endless barrage of information is maddening.
This is made even more difficult trying to be a Poly couple in search of the elusive Single Bi Male. Mrs. AP and I have been looking, either actively or passively, for the better part of 18 months now. We’ve been more dedicated at some times than others, of course. Our search is, however, hindered by the fact that we can’t simply follow the traditional in-person routine that two single people can. Bars are, essentially, out, which is fine as we don’t really frequent them anyway. We could theoretically meet somebody out at the club, or even at a restaurant or diner or store, but having to explain Poly to somebody who’s never heard of it — in person — leads to more ludicrous looks than is often worth them time. Thus, relying on various online social and dating sites is the fallback on which we need rely.
We’ve had some luck through them. We met Our Crush online first, and have since arranged all three of our dates that way. So far it seems to be working. It is also mildly exhausting. Mrs. AP put it best the other night when she asked if we can just move beyond the dating stage to the relationship stage. She’s right, of course, in that knowing how to act and react inside an established relationship is easier when one (or two) has been out of The Dating Game for as long as we have. Traditional timing and molds don’t seem to carry over in a one to one ratio. Pace, expectation, and the timeline of the relationship all seem to get thrown into a state of turmoil. Lily Lloyd of theblackletherbelt.com calls it The Relationship Escalator. To quote her:
The escalator looks something like this:
> Dating > Sex > Moving In Together > Getting Married > Getting a Mortgage > Having Kids
This progression doesn’t work — may not even be possible to work — when it comes to Mrs. AP and I looking for a potential long-term member of what may very well become a Poly Triad. Restrictions are in place in many ways. Legally, at least within the United States, we may never be able to progress as a Triad from the “Moving in Together” stage to the “Getting Married” stage. The legal standings for such a Marriage are, at best, tenuous. That doesn’t necessarily prevent skipping that stage to the “Getting a Mortgage” part, but in this economy that’s more a pipe dream than anything else. As for kids, Mrs. AP and I already have several children between us in addition to our devastating miscarriage together just a few months ago. We’re not getting any younger, either; the likelihood of complications arising are a notable, worrisome prospect. What, then, is a Poly couple who’s met a wonderfully compatible third person to do?
In the past two weeks Mrs. AP and I have had two dates with Our Crush. In both cases what started out as short dates evolved into very long amounts of time spent over at his place, with a great deal of making out involved. The first date, in fact, lasted ten hours, the last two to three hours of which were spent with a great deal of kissing and neck nibbling and running fingernails up and down various body parts… all without any clothing being removed. The second date at his house did lead to all clothing on all parties eventually coming off, but only after yet another long period of making out and teasing and foreplay.
Mrs. AP and I have our fair share of threesomes with another man under our collective belt, considering our long-held Triad with her soon-to-be-ex-husband and our dalliances with both Our Well Hung Lover and a long standing friend of hers, but never before have either of us — nor Our Crush, if I guess correctly — been involved in a scenario where there was truly equal attention and desire among all three people. Each of us wanted, desired, and gave attention to the other two freely and equally without need of conscious thought toward the matter. It was more a matter of each of us not being able to get enough of the other two than any one of us feeling pressured to give attention to one of the other people. We were the closest to a true Triad I’ve ever experienced, with lines of energy connected each of the three pairs of us — him and her; her and me; him and me — along with a continuous loop connecting us all that was exhilarating and powerful. I wrote once of wanting the kind of Triad where each of us makes the other two stronger; I got a taste of what that can be like as we all rolled around in bed together.
I know I do not post often and I am sorry for that dear readers. This is really my first posting as a writer to our beloved Blog. While I help my other half often in his writings I just have not gotten around to posting my self. I am very active on other forums and boards and I guess I need to move some of that activity here as well.
You may be asking your self what got me in such a tizzy that I found the need to start posting here and invade our blog out of the blue. Well I was doing a bit of reading on the net and as one of my habits I read Savage Love. Well , one of his recent contributions to his column was simply lacking in many very very important things ( details given below) . I feel if you are going to put your self out there in the world as someone to go to for information, advice and such that when you do so, well You should do it properly and if you are unsure FACT CHECK FIRST!! With that said.. I felt compelled to send him a letter about this bit of writing that he did. Mr. AP found it so profound that he requested all night that I bring it to the masses as an open Letter so here its is peeps!
Hello Dan Savage,
I am a very long time reader of your column and often refer people over to it as well as reference it not only in conversations, but in our own blog as well as many other sites that we are members of. Today, I went to catch up on my Savage Love and to my total dismay, my favorite sex positive writer missed a step. I was a bit taken back when reading the post labled “Three-way Relationship Intrigues Oblivious Straights” … I totally understand where this gentleman was coming from and found him to be rather open minded and forthcoming of him to have found this Triad to be “cool people” … Where I was shocked was in your response.. or LACK there of in this case. Yes you covered some of the questions that he asked but seemed to have left out one very VITAL detail.. there IS a common term that is accepted world wide by all sexual orientations being, that they were practicing Polyamory and from the sounds of it, had a long term Polyfidelitous relationships.. You went on to bulk at “some” for being of the mind set that it’s ” bad PR at a time when gay couples are fighting for the right to marry.” I feel you really did the same thing for all of the gay, straight and bisexual communities in neglecting to use the correct terminology .
Poly relationships are found through out time and while the term Polyamory really only dates back to about the 1970’s there has been documented proof through all of person kind, since people started taking records of such things. If the common goal is to grow a better understand of the world and each other and there for breed understanding and knowledge, it is of great importance to use the proper terminologically when speaking about these matters and “educating” the masses. Sadly, I see this a a massive missed opportunity that could have brought light to a lot of peoples lives. With your post, people will likely google “throuples” and sadly will miss out on a lot of very good, very interesting information that is out there as well as the communities that Poly based relationships are involved in. They will never see that it is Legal for a Poly relationship to marry in Holland and a few other places in the EU, they will never see that if they move to the UK, that while they can not marry there as a triad that if there were married in a place where it is legal that the UK will honor their marriage and their rights. They will never see the little known fact that their was a loop hole in California law that prop 8 killed that allowed for a 3rd person to join a per-existing marriage. They will never see that Poly comes in all sorts of flavors and colors from two “couples” joining to forma quad to triads and so on.
There are a lot of people in the world who feel lost in their feelings and sexual identity as well as orientation. While Poly may not be an answer for some of these people it could truly allow some to finely feel like them selves and loved for who they are and how they really want to live their life. While not the only “group” massive impacted by this topic I think it is one that get the “hate” on is the Bisexuals. While, I , myself am not Bisexual my Fiance is. I have heard and see the hate that flies in his direction on a regular basis. The bulk of the Gay community still likes to soap box on that Bisexual males are just gay and have not come to terms with it yet, while the bulk of the hetro community will not only soap box on that but then will slander them for being sluts, creeps and perverts as well as cheaters whom cant have a ” normal ” relationship. While a lot of bisexuals can have a relationship and be happy on one side of the fence or the other there are also a lot that can’t. They end up feeling like they are not being true to them self or are being limited in what their lives can be and because no one speaks up from them or the Poly community they just don’t know that it exist. They don’t have a name for whats in their head and heart, where to start looking for information and end up feeling like there is something wrong with them and that they must fit in some mold that was made for ether Dick and Jane, Dick and Dick or Jane and Jane and thats just not fair. I feel it is pretictualry hard for bisexual men as apposed to bisexual woman who are found by the main stream to be “cute” or highly coveted by some males for the “3 some” side for their mind set. Most Bi Males are too scared to be shunned by their friends and families to speak up, much less have anyone to talk to about what they are felling. If they have a gay friend that they open up too odds are they are told that they are gay and just in not willing to admit it yet. If they have a straight friend or GF whom they can open up to about it odds are they will get turned on , freaked out on and left in the dust begging them not to out them. At least if some of them know about the poly community they might at least be able to find people they could talk to who have, do and can walk and live on both sides of the fence in a great many ways.
I beg of you to consider writing a follow up piece addressing the proper terminology and community that this letter was written to you about. I feel that a great deal of people of all sexual orientations would benefit from it , learn and maybe even grow as people them selves or at least some level of tolerance when they encounter it in the “real” world.
His column can be viewed here > http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15701114 and the posting for this was on Jan 9th 2013
Three years ago I had my first date with Mrs. AP. My life changed for the better that day. I could never ask for a more wonderful, loving, caring, supportive, sexual, sensual, intelligent, witty, charming, enlightening partner. Even if I did ask, the search results would come back blank. Mrs. AP is the perfect woman for me. I’m ever so glad she found me.
Mrs. AP, My Love, I’ve said it before and I say it again; I’m yours, always for forever. Thank you for taking a chance on me, and for letting me take one with you. The returns have been beyond anything I could ever have imagined I deserved, but you’ve taught me that I deserve the best. I found the best in you. I love you with everything within me.
Stay SINful, friends.
If you’ve been following the news at all — and I don’t blame you if you don’t anymore, it’s downright depressing how inhumane people can be toward one another — then you’ve likely seen coverage relating to the Hacktivist group Anonymous releasing information regarding a rape case in Steubenville, Ohio. During this case, a group of teenagers known as The Rape Crew documented two high school football players raping an unconscous 16-year old girl. Things have not been pretty since. Outrage has been growing concerning the handling of the investigation by local law enforcement, and has again sparked a discussion about the seeming culture of rape in the United States, wherein victims are often ridiculed or challenged to “not entice attack” by refusing to “dress like a slut.” Incomprehensibly, the accused often faces less ridicule than the accuser, and it seems the more athletic the accused or the higher the accused’s profile, the less chance any type of charge will stick.
As has been documented ad nauseum, victims of sexual and domestic abuse almost always know their attackers. Many often live with those same attackers. It is for that reason that the National Domestic Abuse Hotline immediately notifies anybody visiting the website that connections and internet traffic can be monitored and offers an immediate escape option for somebody who absolutely cannot be caught visiting. While it is a sad fact that some people live in constant, debilitating fear of physical harm by somebody with whom they live, that fact persists nonetheless. Victims of assault come in every sex, gender, age, race, color, and creed. This is a sad, cruel fact from which we often shy but should never forget.
But what about other forms of abuse; forms that cannot easily be quantified or substantiated? Forms that do not leave bruises or abrasions or scrapes or cuts? Forms that cannot be documented easily and presented to law enforcement for the use of building a criminal case? What happens — what does one do — when that abuse is invisible, but nonetheless deadly? It wasn’t three years ago I was asking myself those very questions.
My heart will be with you.
Today I travel to Long Island, NY to work on a project for my client. Since my consulting work is still a part-time gig, this means I’m still working my “day job” overnight. The night before I catch the flight. I will have 2 hours to shave, shower, and finish packing before leaving for the airport to catch my flight. Yes, I will be cutting it close. It’s a good thing I know how to work an airport.
While I’m looking forward to being able to do the hands-on IT work I love, this trip isn’t a “there and back again” day trip. No, this time I stay until catching a flight home Friday evening. I’ve handled overnight (and longer) trips for work before. Back during my full time Corporate IT Support days I would often fly to Atlanta for 3 -4 days at a time, or go to NYC for 3 -4 days. Every 2 – 3 months I would fly to the company HQ for 5 days. I spent a week in Denver, a week in Salt Lake City, 3 days in Chicago, 2 days in Indianapolis, 3-4 days in Annapolis at a time, 3-4 days in D.C., and even a week out in San Jose. Traveling with no notice for extended periods of time is nothing new to me. What IS new, however, and what causes my internal conflict, is being away from Mrs. AP overnight.
It’s been awhile since I’ve touched on the Polyamorous aspect of the relationship between Mrs. AP and I, and with good reason; we have been without any additional romantic partners for nearly a year now. For those of you keeping score at home, yes, that stretches back to before I began this blog. We did, as documented, visit an on-premise swingers club and play a bit. We also had a date with a friend that resulted in quite a fun time for all. Those two experiences very much trended toward the Swinger end of the Poly/Swing spectrum, however, and didn’t involve most of the more complex emotional aspects I associate with being Poly. One of those aspects is finding compersion.
Compersion, as defined on Wikipedia — because it’s not a recognized word in any dictionary I can yet find — “is a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual’s current or former romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion.” Summarized in briefest form, it is experiencing happiness at a partner’s happiness. It is one of the most basic tenets of the emotional maturity landscape encompassing being Poly. it is also the aspect with which, I found, I had the most difficulty.
SINful friends, thank you all for being here. Thank you all for following, commenting, and (the VAST majority of you) for writing compelling blogs that inspire me and help me understand myself as I evolve and navigate my way through this crazy world. Some of you have been around since the very beginning (I’m looking at you two, Mr. No Name and Josh) and many of you hopped aboard shortly thereafter. More of you are recent followers, and maybe haven’t read through all the archives to get my full story. If you haven’t, please poke around, as I started fresh and raw within the first week and haven’t stopped since. Asides aside, you SINful friends are part of my community, and some of you feel like brothers and sisters after just these first few months. You’re family. Out “in the real worls”, though, what exactly does that mean?
You’ve got the power!
Ahem. Sorry friends, I was having a childhood moment there, but it ties in well with something that’s on my mind right now. Actually a lot of somethings, but they’re all related, so I’m running with it. Whats been bobbling through my head tonight (when a headache and exhaustion allow me to think) is power exchanges and how they manifest differently within each relationship. A quick run through my blogroll finds many beautiful permutations of this; there’s a Professional Doinatrix, several couples involved in Domestic Discipline, several more who are in full-time Dom/sub relationships, a few slaves each belonging only to one Master, Swingers, spankos, Poly Switches, and more. The diversity runs the full gamut, but the unifying thread among them all is that in each case, whether it’s DD, D/s, TTWD, BDSM, or some other term there is always an exchange of power taking place. This makes me wonder, is if just a Kink thing?
The time had finally come. Her car was pulling into the lot, and I was finally going to get to meet her in person. I sat on my stool, eyes scanning the entrances to the lot until I finally saw her car pull in. Tracking it to it’s spot, I waited eagerly, nervously, knowing she would be everything in person that she was online and hoping I could live up to my own presentation. I had been myself, right? Surely I hadn’t exaggerated or overestimated. I adjusted my shirt again, checking my buttons, my collar, my belt, my pants, making sure everything was tidy and in place. Then her door opened, and I saw her step out…
It began, of all places, on OKCupid. My profile was honest; I was married, I wasn’t happy with the sexual relationship, I was trying to make everything else work, and I just wanted some quiet, NSA sex. I wasn’t looking much beyond the Orlando area for travel and time concerns. I’d had some success, meeting one or two people who were local or local-ish and with whom I’d played a bit, but nothing much had come of things. One day in mid December I received a message, which read, roughly, that while she didn’t agree with why I was on OKC she understood that shit happens, and that my profile interested her do greatly that despite her reservations she felt compelled to talk to me further and hear my story.
It was the most brutally honest, to the point message I’d received on the site yet. I fired back a response immediately, and only the paused to view her profile. I was instantly hooked. She wrote succinctly, with a controlled intelligence and a strong passion that matched the pictures of her brilliant red hair and red lips, both shining like rubies reflecting firelight. There was no way, I thought, that such a smart, strong, gorgeous woman would ever want anything more to do with me, but I wasn’t about to turn down the chance to find out.
This is the next to last update in the 30 Days of Truth series! It’s been tough at times but we’re almost done!
Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.