Friday night Mrs. AP and I attended a concert at local club. The headline artist was one of the pioneers in the electronic trance genre, which resulted in nearly non-stop moving and dancing for hours on end. We had been invited at the request of new friends — a male and female couple — Mrs. AP had made at a house party a few weeks prior.
While we were one the dance floor with our friends, Mrs. AP leaned in to me to let me know that “there’s something special” about the woman of couple, whom I shall call SCS (Short Cute and Sweet). I grinned like the cheshire car and told her to go with whatever feelings hit her.
Over the course of the night I bore witness to Mrs. AP and SCS making out repeatedly, groping and fondling each other, and making long assaults on each other’s nipples via lips and teeth. Mrs. AP also engaged in a deep soulful kiss with SCS’ boyfriend. All of this, of course, in the middle of a pack of moving, dancing people on the dance floor, and in between her and I making out and groping each other nearly non-stop.
Nights like this remind me just how freeing it is to be Poly. While we needn’t be always on the lookout for new people in our lives, being able to take advantages of situations like this when they arise and not only feel no guilt or remorse but also feel intense joy and happiness for our partner/s in the process is empowering. Mrs. AP was free and carefree with SCS, and it was an absolute joy to watch. I’ve never seen Mrs. AP so entranced by another woman before. To that point, I’ve never seen Mrs. AP express outright desire to pursue another woman before, much less initiate a deep kiss.
I look forward to seeing just where this leads.
Stay SINful, friends.
Pardon the alliteration, friends, but I’m feeling whimsical. You’ll forgive me, yes?
I stumbled this morning on an excellent piece hosted on the Huffington Post titled “For Bi Guys Thinking of Coming Out” by author Patrick RichardsFink. If you have not already, please go read the piece. Regardless of your gender or sexual identity there are some incredible insights found within the piece, particularly in dealing with the preconceptions most people still carry about sexuality and gender identity being based within the binary normative structure of gay/straight, male/female.
As I have mentioned repeatedly in my writings, I knew comparatively early in my life that I am Bi Male. Additionally, I came to realize later in life that I am also a Queer Male. In my further explorations into the roles of gender and sexual identity as parcel to development and establishing meaningful interpersonal relationships, I have had to undo the same kind of binary thinking still prevalent in modern Western society. Sexuality and Gender are not necessarily static, but may instead exist on a dynamic continuum. It is with this greater understanding, both externally and internally of the fluidity of self-expression, that led me to the belief that Bi-Curiosity is a misnomer, a stumbling block upon the path to actualization. The conversation is not as simple as there being two sides to a coin, but is instead as multifaceted as a Princess-cut diamond. This complexity requires adopting not only a new approach to coming out but also a new mindset to those still within the binary-normative structure.
Dating is a confusing enough subject between only 2 people these days. If it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be things like college lectures on how hook-up culture is killing dating. Run a Google Search for Modern Dating, and the top results include multiple posts via the Huffington Post and a (self serving?) post on Match.com. Nearly every magazine available in the checkout line at the larger grocery stores include articles on how to date, how to look best for the first date, how to behave on the first date, how to hold attention after the first date, etc. Constantly there is this bombardment on how and why and when and who to date. The endless barrage of information is maddening.
This is made even more difficult trying to be a Poly couple in search of the elusive Single Bi Male. Mrs. AP and I have been looking, either actively or passively, for the better part of 18 months now. We’ve been more dedicated at some times than others, of course. Our search is, however, hindered by the fact that we can’t simply follow the traditional in-person routine that two single people can. Bars are, essentially, out, which is fine as we don’t really frequent them anyway. We could theoretically meet somebody out at the club, or even at a restaurant or diner or store, but having to explain Poly to somebody who’s never heard of it — in person — leads to more ludicrous looks than is often worth them time. Thus, relying on various online social and dating sites is the fallback on which we need rely.
We’ve had some luck through them. We met Our Crush online first, and have since arranged all three of our dates that way. So far it seems to be working. It is also mildly exhausting. Mrs. AP put it best the other night when she asked if we can just move beyond the dating stage to the relationship stage. She’s right, of course, in that knowing how to act and react inside an established relationship is easier when one (or two) has been out of The Dating Game for as long as we have. Traditional timing and molds don’t seem to carry over in a one to one ratio. Pace, expectation, and the timeline of the relationship all seem to get thrown into a state of turmoil. Lily Lloyd of theblackletherbelt.com calls it The Relationship Escalator. To quote her:
The escalator looks something like this:
> Dating > Sex > Moving In Together > Getting Married > Getting a Mortgage > Having Kids
This progression doesn’t work — may not even be possible to work — when it comes to Mrs. AP and I looking for a potential long-term member of what may very well become a Poly Triad. Restrictions are in place in many ways. Legally, at least within the United States, we may never be able to progress as a Triad from the “Moving in Together” stage to the “Getting Married” stage. The legal standings for such a Marriage are, at best, tenuous. That doesn’t necessarily prevent skipping that stage to the “Getting a Mortgage” part, but in this economy that’s more a pipe dream than anything else. As for kids, Mrs. AP and I already have several children between us in addition to our devastating miscarriage together just a few months ago. We’re not getting any younger, either; the likelihood of complications arising are a notable, worrisome prospect. What, then, is a Poly couple who’s met a wonderfully compatible third person to do?
In the past two weeks Mrs. AP and I have had two dates with Our Crush. In both cases what started out as short dates evolved into very long amounts of time spent over at his place, with a great deal of making out involved. The first date, in fact, lasted ten hours, the last two to three hours of which were spent with a great deal of kissing and neck nibbling and running fingernails up and down various body parts… all without any clothing being removed. The second date at his house did lead to all clothing on all parties eventually coming off, but only after yet another long period of making out and teasing and foreplay.
Mrs. AP and I have our fair share of threesomes with another man under our collective belt, considering our long-held Triad with her soon-to-be-ex-husband and our dalliances with both Our Well Hung Lover and a long standing friend of hers, but never before have either of us — nor Our Crush, if I guess correctly — been involved in a scenario where there was truly equal attention and desire among all three people. Each of us wanted, desired, and gave attention to the other two freely and equally without need of conscious thought toward the matter. It was more a matter of each of us not being able to get enough of the other two than any one of us feeling pressured to give attention to one of the other people. We were the closest to a true Triad I’ve ever experienced, with lines of energy connected each of the three pairs of us — him and her; her and me; him and me — along with a continuous loop connecting us all that was exhilarating and powerful. I wrote once of wanting the kind of Triad where each of us makes the other two stronger; I got a taste of what that can be like as we all rolled around in bed together.
Goodness, has the past week been brutal for the LGTBQ and Polyamorous communitie.
Really, why can’t we all just take heed of the wisdom of Depeche Mode?
I know I do not post often and I am sorry for that dear readers. This is really my first posting as a writer to our beloved Blog. While I help my other half often in his writings I just have not gotten around to posting my self. I am very active on other forums and boards and I guess I need to move some of that activity here as well.
You may be asking your self what got me in such a tizzy that I found the need to start posting here and invade our blog out of the blue. Well I was doing a bit of reading on the net and as one of my habits I read Savage Love. Well , one of his recent contributions to his column was simply lacking in many very very important things ( details given below) . I feel if you are going to put your self out there in the world as someone to go to for information, advice and such that when you do so, well You should do it properly and if you are unsure FACT CHECK FIRST!! With that said.. I felt compelled to send him a letter about this bit of writing that he did. Mr. AP found it so profound that he requested all night that I bring it to the masses as an open Letter so here its is peeps!
Hello Dan Savage,
I am a very long time reader of your column and often refer people over to it as well as reference it not only in conversations, but in our own blog as well as many other sites that we are members of. Today, I went to catch up on my Savage Love and to my total dismay, my favorite sex positive writer missed a step. I was a bit taken back when reading the post labled “Three-way Relationship Intrigues Oblivious Straights” … I totally understand where this gentleman was coming from and found him to be rather open minded and forthcoming of him to have found this Triad to be “cool people” … Where I was shocked was in your response.. or LACK there of in this case. Yes you covered some of the questions that he asked but seemed to have left out one very VITAL detail.. there IS a common term that is accepted world wide by all sexual orientations being, that they were practicing Polyamory and from the sounds of it, had a long term Polyfidelitous relationships.. You went on to bulk at “some” for being of the mind set that it’s ” bad PR at a time when gay couples are fighting for the right to marry.” I feel you really did the same thing for all of the gay, straight and bisexual communities in neglecting to use the correct terminology .
Poly relationships are found through out time and while the term Polyamory really only dates back to about the 1970’s there has been documented proof through all of person kind, since people started taking records of such things. If the common goal is to grow a better understand of the world and each other and there for breed understanding and knowledge, it is of great importance to use the proper terminologically when speaking about these matters and “educating” the masses. Sadly, I see this a a massive missed opportunity that could have brought light to a lot of peoples lives. With your post, people will likely google “throuples” and sadly will miss out on a lot of very good, very interesting information that is out there as well as the communities that Poly based relationships are involved in. They will never see that it is Legal for a Poly relationship to marry in Holland and a few other places in the EU, they will never see that if they move to the UK, that while they can not marry there as a triad that if there were married in a place where it is legal that the UK will honor their marriage and their rights. They will never see the little known fact that their was a loop hole in California law that prop 8 killed that allowed for a 3rd person to join a per-existing marriage. They will never see that Poly comes in all sorts of flavors and colors from two “couples” joining to forma quad to triads and so on.
There are a lot of people in the world who feel lost in their feelings and sexual identity as well as orientation. While Poly may not be an answer for some of these people it could truly allow some to finely feel like them selves and loved for who they are and how they really want to live their life. While not the only “group” massive impacted by this topic I think it is one that get the “hate” on is the Bisexuals. While, I , myself am not Bisexual my Fiance is. I have heard and see the hate that flies in his direction on a regular basis. The bulk of the Gay community still likes to soap box on that Bisexual males are just gay and have not come to terms with it yet, while the bulk of the hetro community will not only soap box on that but then will slander them for being sluts, creeps and perverts as well as cheaters whom cant have a ” normal ” relationship. While a lot of bisexuals can have a relationship and be happy on one side of the fence or the other there are also a lot that can’t. They end up feeling like they are not being true to them self or are being limited in what their lives can be and because no one speaks up from them or the Poly community they just don’t know that it exist. They don’t have a name for whats in their head and heart, where to start looking for information and end up feeling like there is something wrong with them and that they must fit in some mold that was made for ether Dick and Jane, Dick and Dick or Jane and Jane and thats just not fair. I feel it is pretictualry hard for bisexual men as apposed to bisexual woman who are found by the main stream to be “cute” or highly coveted by some males for the “3 some” side for their mind set. Most Bi Males are too scared to be shunned by their friends and families to speak up, much less have anyone to talk to about what they are felling. If they have a gay friend that they open up too odds are they are told that they are gay and just in not willing to admit it yet. If they have a straight friend or GF whom they can open up to about it odds are they will get turned on , freaked out on and left in the dust begging them not to out them. At least if some of them know about the poly community they might at least be able to find people they could talk to who have, do and can walk and live on both sides of the fence in a great many ways.
I beg of you to consider writing a follow up piece addressing the proper terminology and community that this letter was written to you about. I feel that a great deal of people of all sexual orientations would benefit from it , learn and maybe even grow as people them selves or at least some level of tolerance when they encounter it in the “real” world.
His column can be viewed here > http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15701114 and the posting for this was on Jan 9th 2013
All of us, regardless of background, can trace many of our adult behaviors to either the environment in which we were raised or the character of those who helped raise us, if not both. While there are exceptions to all cases, generally speaking somebody who is raised in an abusive environment will seek escape from the reality of that environment in some form of self-destructive behavior, which then carries on into adulthood. Similarly, a person who is raised in a protected environment may be ignorant of some of the dangers posed by a less gentle, less forgiving segment of society. Those raised in areas in which overt racism is present may be more aware of the effects of how prejudices alter perception, and those raised in areas free of such societal pressures may not understand how deeply run the roots of those prejudices may lie.
I’ve spoken of it before, but for those unaware, the vast majority of my life has been spent living in states south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Additionally, my parents are devout Lutheran Christians, which meant I spent a good portion of my weekends and my afternoons during the Advent and Lent seasons inside a church building. The combination of living in the Buckle of the Bible Belt with deeply devout parents meant that I was nearly always surrounded by people who believed to their deepest cores that the Christian Bible is irrefutably sacrosanct, literally true, and an absolute guide for moral behavior. This belief extended to most major areas of notable Conservative dispute, particularly the areas surrounding evolution and human sexuality. I was taught to belief — and encouraged when reciting or defending the belief — that evolution is not scientifically valid and that humans lived alongside dinosaurs. Any belief in the evidence provided by the fossil record was disputed or discarded simply because it did not fit within dogmatic. Simply put, the scientific method was considered irrelevant and, in a fashion that seems to be uniquely American, cast aside not to be thoughtfully discussed.
As I look back to that time in my life, I often feel shame at being sucked into the arguments provided. My blind faith in the absolute correctness of the Biblical accounts of things being the only way “things could have happened” was borderline fanatical, and impervious to rational arguments challenging my beliefs. Thankfully, my parents taught me to be discerning and thoughtful and to never stop reading, which led to broadening my lens and finding additional information that debunked and thoroughly refuted my prior beliefs. My hypothesis had been wrong, and when presented with overwhelming evidence I was forced to adjust my beliefs to better hold with the evidentiary truth. In just such a manner was I also forced to adjust my views on human sexuality.