An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Posts tagged “Loss

Bounce-back Begins

To all who suffered and continue to suffer from Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy, our thoughts are with you.  May you find comfort and relief quickly, and your recovery leave you stronger than before.


Stay SINful, friends

Rent and Schism

This morning I unleashed a rant upon the sky.  One of the few perks my job affords me is the ability to walk along some of the waterways south of St. Petersburg, FL at times when few people are about.  This morning — very early this morning, before the birds awoke — I pace and ranted, yelled, muttered, and ranted some more.  The stars and the waves were all that bore witness to this meandering rant that contained enough circumlocutions not even Kevin Smith could have written them.

This rant followed very shortly two very important steps in my healing process.  First, foremost, and greatest of all is that Mrs. AP, in her incredibly insightful and supportive disposition, enticed and encouraged me to unleash many of the frustrations I’ve had over life in general for the past few weeks, all of which were brought to a boiling head one week ago when we learned we were no longer nurturing a pregnancy.  My mood crumbled, leaving me very down and dazed and not at all the high-spirited person to whom Mrs. AP has grown accustomed.  Worse still for both of us has been that we cannot find nor make peace with the loss of our child.  Neither of us prescribe to any particular religious precept — I’m closest to a Humanist-Agnostic with a respect for the Pagan and Buddhist tenets in respect to life and natural energy, she’s closest to a Pagan-Buddhist with a deep connection to nature and natural energy — so the usual Judeo-Christian platitudes of being reunited in Heaven ring rather hollow.  As we see it, what soul was there that abandoned our fetus may yet one day return to us, but for now we’re left without, and it hurts.  We both want answers, but realistically and scientifically there are no answers to give.  None of the tests that were run could provide anything solid.  Best guesses include stress or some fetal medical condition not discoverable via bloodwork.  We don’t know, and neither do the medical professionals.


The Saga Continues

Continuing the updates provided by my previous post, Mrs. AP now has her prescription for her UTI — thank you Lily Lloyd for the offer to help! —  and is scheduled for a D and C this morning.  The number of complex maneuvers required to make this happen would make the Navy Blue Angels blanch.   As I’ve not the time to draw the diagrams required for a proper demonstration I trust my list-making skills will suffice.

  • Medicaid eligibility is determined in Florida by The Department of Children and Families (DCF)
  • Medicaid coverage includes multiple sub-providers or plan names
  • Medical service providers may accept one Medicaid plan to the exclusion of others

Follow me so far?  Here’s what Mrs. AP did — while growing increasingly frustrated, suffering increasing pain, and fighting the fatigue her anemia triggers — to overcome the ridiculous failings of the current system.

  • Call the pharmacy where we tried to fill her prescription Sunday night, learn the (not accepted) Medicaid plan was still in effect.
  • Call Medicaid, sit on hold for 20 minutes before talking with 1 representative and then 1 manager to learn that the Pregnancy plan we need is active on the account but that the unaccepted sub-plan is still attached until November 1.  Furthermore, the account is now marked for all benefits to expire October 31.
  • Call the sub-plan provider to obtain a list of Obstetricians who will accept said sub-plan.  Try not to yell at the representative who is surprised to find not a single office in the county.  Obtain a list of the 3 closest offices, a respective 24, 33, and 56 miles from our house.  Also be told that “most everybody accepts the prescription coverage, just not Walgreens.”
  • Call the closest office to learn they only have Doctors and Mid-Wives available on Wednesdays.
  • Call the next closest office, get an appointment scheduled at their closer office for mid-afternoon yesterday (Tuesday now).
  • Call the closest non-Walgreens Pharmacy.  Be told they no long accept the particular sub-plan.
  • Call the next-closest Pharmacy, arrange for a transfer of prescription, to be available for pickup around noon.
  • Call DCF to determine why coverage now expires on Halloween.  Sit on hold for 30 minutes.  Give up and give in to exhaustion; take a short nap.


I Love You I Never Met You Goodbye

I do not want to be writing this.  I do not want to be writing anything.  I do not want to be at work, or in front of  computer, or doing anything other than holding Mrs. AbsinthePassion while we eat ridiculous amounts of junk food and drink potent alcohol and watch television shows and films that will seem immeasurably deep and complex while we’re drunk.  I want out of this pain that runs so deep even the Marianas Trench would be afraid to peer over the edge of the yawning abyss.  I also want to spare you, SINful friends, of this pain, so be warned, continuing further down this path finds only sorrow and despair.  Continue at your peril.


Until the Concrete Angels Fall

“If you keep building these walls

Brick by brick towers so tall

Soon I won’t see you at all

Until the concrete angels fall.”

~ Gareth Emery featuring Christina Novelli

“Concrete Angel”

11 years ago I woke up to get ready for work thinking it was any other day.  After getting out of the shower I head somebody rummaging around in the house.  Dad was home from work, and looked distraught.  He always held it together well, but that day I could see the strain on his face as he tried to maintain composure.  I asked him why he was home from work and he said simply “Turn on the TV.”  I turned on the TV as I dressed for work and had to sit down on my bed.  My world had changed.

We built towers in this country, thinking we were impenetrable.   We lay down brick after brick, daring anybody to get to truly know us.  We rest assured knowing that our displays home and abroad would kep us safe.  We were kings.  Until our concrete angels fell.


Nothing Is Trivial

SINful friends, I borrow the title of today’s post from the 1994 film The Crow, the last starring role for Brandon Lee, the son of Bruce Lee.  Brandon suffered a fatal accident during the filming of The Crow, which made many of his lines in the film all the more poignant.  For me the one that always stuck out was when Brandon Lee’s character Eric Draven, while speaking of his dead fiancee Shelly, says “Little things used to mean so much to Shelly. I used to think they were kind of… trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial.”


30 Days of Truth, Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.

Welcome to another fine edition in my 30 Days of Truth quest.  Let’s see what’s on the docket today.


Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do.