An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Posts tagged “BDSM

All Fall Down

Today Al Franken announced that he is retiring from his U.S. Senate Seat “in the coming weeks.”

Earlier this week, Representative John Conyers announced that he is retiring from his position in the U.S. House of Representatives.

There is a running list of all the men who have had abuse and/or harassment charges or complaints levied against them — although it has not been well updated, in part due to how fast the new cycle has been moving on this subject.

Consent violations are serious. Harassment is serious. Abuse is serious. Assault is serious. Rape is serious.

It’s about time we started seeing these subjects truly be taken seriously, although the fact that Hollywood and the Democratic Party seem to be the only parties actually doing so is still disconcerting. Trump admitted on tape to violating countless women, yet won the Election a year ago. Disgraced judge Roy Moore — who has been removed from the bench twice — is in a surprisingly close race for a Senate Seat from Alabama despite the fact that at least 9 women have com forward with convincing claims (and in some cases convincing evidence) that Moore sexually harassed or assaulted them when each of these women were teenagers, many below the legal age of consent in Alabama (16) at the time.

Why is it that the Republican Party, which heralds itself as “The Party of Family Values”, embraces this repugnant behavior? (more…)


Surrender

as I slowly awaken

senses coming back online

through the fog of deep slumber

my body fails to comprehend

why is it so dark

wait

are my wrists bound

YES

But WHY

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Getting Back to the Swing of Things

As my most recent post details, I’ve had some health issues of late that have compounded or correlated with a lackluster libido.  Thankfully both the health and the libido issues are being resolved — I’ve been off antibiotics for nearly 48 hours and am starting to feel a slight increase in my energy levels — and I can get back to my sexy self.

But what is my sexy self?

As a former athlete who now resides in a non-athletic body, I often times find myself fighting the disconnect between the way I perceived myself as sexy when I had nary an ounce of body fat and had stamina for hours of continuous rigorous exercise versus the current state, where my midsection is protruding more than I’d like and I can’t even walk 5 flights of stairs without getting winded.  My body and my mind are not in agreement over my current state at all, which often leads to silly things like me thinking I really can run after the kids at the park without killing myself.

This past month, in which I’ve stayed in two different hospitals, has led me to resolve to change my lifestyle, which in turn will (I hope) lead me back into My Lifestyles.

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Anticipation

I’m trying something new this week.  There’s something started bumbling around in my brain and I’m going to see how well it looks once it comes out.  For the first time ever, may I present a bit of erotic fiction:
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Everybody Needs A Break Sometimes

As I mentioned in my 6-month Anniversary post the other day, I took a brief sabbatical from the blog due to a continuous 11 days of work and the need to recuperate afterward.  I’m noticing this is a growing trend among many of my fellow bloggers; if I work from the top down through my blogroll I can find at least 3 examples before I hit the midway point of people who are taking a break in one form or another.  Between burnouts, changes in lifestyle, work requirements, or what have you’s these fine people need to step back, catch a breath, and recover.  Recognizing when to do so is, I think, one of the keys to living a long and happy life.

Here in the United States, taking a break is not encouraged.  It is not mandatory.  To some of my international readers, this may come as a shock, but there is no mandatory vacation/holiday time in the United States.  Employers have no requirement to provide paid time off, for any reason.  For recent parents, the Family Medical Leave Act assures that a mother may take up to 12 weeks off from work to care for her newborn child, but those 12 weeks are not required to be paid time off.  Yes, you read that correctly; a mother may take unpaid time off from work for up to 12 weeks to care for her newborn before she must return to work or lose her job.  In my current job I am offered no paid time off for any reason; not sickness, not for a death in the family, and certainly not for a vacation/holiday.

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How Tolerance Really Works

If one lives in or meanders through or even just sometime dabbles in one of the multitude of fringe subcultures in society, be it Swinger or Kinkster or Gay or Bi or Poly, then one has encountered some form of intolerance.  The degree of this intolerance varies, surely, but ask the average person how well s/he would react to learning that a school teacher is gay, or a swinger, or engages in BDSM practices outside of the confines of the professional environment and the overwhelming response will be one of negativity.  Disgust, perhaps, or vitriolic speech will be the common denominator.  Very often, the people reacting from a negative place espouse to live lives of public positivity; they claim hold of beliefs that teach of love and kindness not simply as ways of live but furthermore as embedded attitudes of being.  Turn around yet afterward and ask these people on their thoughts on tolerance, and the refrain is automatic; love everybody, tolerate everybody, but teach and preach in hopes of homogenizing everybody to better align with the responder’s beliefs.

This is not tolerance.  This is a guise, an imagery put forth from which platitudes may be issued and rote answers may be spewed.  Underneath this facade is a dislike, a distrust, in fact a disavowal of any thought, philosophy, or practice that is not conformist to the established teachings of the hallowed institution.  That institution may be religious, political, educational, ect. but they share commonalities in inspiring loyalty and conferring world views that are either blind to or ignorant of baseline facts about life outside the shelter of the group.  There is safety in numbers; behold the flock of sheep.

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Rules of Engagement

When it comes to playing in The Lifestyle — and I don’t care if that’s Poly, Swinger, BDSM, Kink, or whatever other non-mainstream lifestyle you think is The Lifestyle at the moment — there are always rules of etiquette that need to be followed for everybody to have a good time.  These rules often also serve to help keep people safe and, in general, insure that a return visit will be allowed, perhaps even requested, by others at the event.  Some of these are standard issue rules of etiquette that apply to any public behavior — be mindful of surroundings, be polite, follow the rules of the establishment or host, etc. — but some other rules come into play when dealing with those of us on the kinky fringe of society.

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You’ve Got The Touch

You’ve got the power!

 

Ahem.  Sorry friends, I was having a childhood moment there,  but it ties in well with something that’s on my mind right now.  Actually a lot of somethings, but they’re all related, so I’m running with it.  Whats been bobbling through my head tonight (when a headache and exhaustion allow me to think) is power exchanges and how they manifest differently within each relationship.  A quick run through my blogroll finds many beautiful permutations of this; there’s a Professional Doinatrix, several couples involved in Domestic Discipline, several more who are in full-time Dom/sub relationships, a few slaves each belonging only to one Master, Swingers, spankos, Poly Switches, and more.  The diversity runs the full gamut, but the unifying thread among them all is that in each case, whether it’s DD, D/s, TTWD, BDSM, or some other term there is always an exchange of power taking place.  This makes me wonder, is if just a Kink thing?

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Flog Me and Fuck Me

So you want to ravage each other tonight?”  Mrs. AP asked, a deep shiny gleam in her eye as she pounced me.

Ohhh, that sounds delightful, ” I responded.

What do you want to do?”  She asked, sitting back a little, beaming down at me.

I want you to flog me and fuck me.”  I stated my intentions boldly, not giving myself time to think about how big a step this would be, or how much I would have to let go.  I was letting my body and my needs lead me, and I needed to be Hers in ways people outside of BDMS just don’t understand.

She sat up a little more, looking at me quizzically for a moment, before leaning forward and asking “How do you want this to happen?  What do you want me to use?  This is our negotiation time; I want to make sure I won’t take things too far and hurt you.

I looked into her eyes and held my voice steady as I said “Use your fingers, use toys, than take the strap-on and fuck me.  I trust you.  You won’t hurt me.

Good, ” She said.  “Then go to the bathroom and when you come out I’ll have some tasks for you.

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Switch It Up

In the realm of BDSM the grouping of individuals is generally regarded in Binary terms.  Dom and sub.  Master and slave.  Many of you readers strongly identify with one of these labels; just a quick look down the blogroll even shows these terms in several of your blog titles.  Whether you’re training your slave to follow orders or you just really need your partner to bend you over and spank you sometimes, the deep need to operate within that mode is such a strong part of you that you feel something is missing when you don’t get proper playtime.  In a way, I envy you, because the need to feed just one mode does not exist within me.  I do not have the strong, overwhelming urge to be a good little submissive to Mrs. AP all of the time, nor do I feel that correlating urge to dominate her all the time.  No, SINful friends, I have it much better and much worse.  When it comes to those kinds of urges, I get them both.

I am a Switch.

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Vanilla-esque Date

Friday night Mrs. AP and I had a date 3 weeks in the making.  It wasn’t Vanilla per se — we discussed Poly and BDSM and a portion of the local community — but it wasn’t wholly Non-Vanilla either.  Turns out there’s a gray, blended area where Vanilla and Non-Vanilla swirl together into what I hencefoth deem Vanilla-esque.  Aren’t I catchy?

Said date was Non-Vanilla in multiple ways beyond the topics discussed.  Our date, Rigger, found our profiles on OKCupid and sent us both messages, which led quickly into talks of profiles on FetLife.  Perving on FetLife turned to becoming friends on FetLife, where the vast majority of the conversations have taken place between us.  This is where one of my recent posts rings true; I’d had several chances to begin conversation with Rigger but failed to do so simply by waiting for him to start.  Ooops.  I’m a dumbass.

So through FetLife we arranged a date, finally, and thanks to certain life circumstances leaving no other options the date occurred with Princess and Tank in tow.  This necessitated having the date at not only a public space, which we always do for meeting somebody for the first time, but also a family friendly public space.  Right.  Cheap family-oriented chain restaurant to the rescue!

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Discovering New Kinks

As I mentioned in my last post, Mrs. AP and I had a long talk wherein she helped me realize that I hadn’t been paying the amount of attention to her that a dedicated loving partner should.  I had, in truth, been behaving selfishly.  At some point during the discussion, Mrs. AP brought our her Coffin Case and opened it.  Her Coffin Case is her Domme toolkit; within it she has multiple floggers, a small whip, and several riding crops with various tips.  To work out some of her frustrations, she started testing each of them out across my ass and back.  Although she stayed mostly light with her lashes, some of her instruments deliver a sharper bite than others and left marks that stung for hours.  It’s only the second time she’s broken out the toys on me — I have sensitive skin that welts easily and with that comes a remarkably low pain threshold — but this round lasted longer than previously.  All told, I think she spent about 10 – 15 minutes on me.  I think.  I’m not entirely certain, for you see, I think I started entering subspace.

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Community

Community.  The word generates a multitude of images, different for each person.  For some it’s the large, bustling neighborhoods of the city.  Elsewhere, it’s the sprawling lands of the loosely populated rural areas where everybody knows not only their own neighbor but everyone else’s as well.  Still other images are those of closed religious communities, huddled inside their compounds isolated from the western world.  There’s the Amish, or the Native American, or the Hispanic communities as well; anybody in Pennsylvania, the Great Plains, or Miami can attest to the feeling of unity and togetherness found within those groups.  In all examples, the people can easily gather and rally to support and improve their community.  But what about us on the fringe, who are connected not by physical proximity but by interest and lifestyle?  How do we go about cultivating, growing, and maintaining our communities?

In Tampa, all three of the Lifestyle communities — Swinger, Fetish/BDSM, and Polyamory — have relatively large and active populations.  In many instances there is overlap between two of three of these communities, although I believe that overlap exists more greatly between Fetish and Poly than between any other combination.  In part, I think, this is attributable to the fact that both Fetish/BDSM and Poly are more intrinsically built around developing longer relationships and exploring the boundaries of those relationships, which takes time.  This is not to say that Swinger and Fet  or Swinger and Poly cannot or do not overlap; there is certainly a fair amount of partner swapping among BDSM play partners, and several Poly people visit Swinger events.  I simply have not seen the evidence of as wide a crossover in those categories, at least not here.  In other places it may be different.  Which brings us back to the question, how do we explore and improve these communities?

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When a Unicorn isn’t a Unicorn

There’s a term nearly everybody in the Swinger world, the BDSM world, and the Polyamorous world is familiar with, summarized in one neat, pretty, sparkly mental image of one word: Unicorn.  On the surface it’s a simple term, relating to the mythical creature of lore that is rumored to exist but is nearly impossible to find.  Furthermore, once found, it’s nearly impossible to keep, for after all, nobody can really own a unicorn.  Anybody who’s ever seen the film Legend knows that much.

There becomes a problem of definition among different groups, though.  I didn’t know this until recently, when a discussion broke out among several discussion groups on FetLife.  When “The Group” was asked to provide a definition of a Unicorn, the responses that came back astounded me.  The most broad definition (and the one with which I was most familiar) is a single woman who is willing and eager to join an existing couple for sexual escapades.  Turns out, among some circles, this definition is far too broad and is refined to the point so that nearly nobody could ever be found to meet it.  For example, one person (and I paraphrase) said that a true Unicorn is a young, naive, beautiful woman who agrees to move in with a couple sight unseen to be a sub/slave to the Dom Master male of the house, is only allowed to engage in sex acts with the Dom Master male unless he specifically orders her to engage in sex acts with other females in the house.  I was floored.  I never thought to include such restrictive terms in the definition, much less construe the chutzpah it would take to tell a woman that I could play with other vaginas but she was limited to only a single penis.  The lack of balance there is astounding.  But it got me thinking, if somebody can define a Unicorn in this fashion, are there other unexplored definitions that could come to be applied?

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Ownership and Love

It’s a cliched phrase we’ve heard thrown around for as long as we can remember.  “I belong to you.”  Boyz II Men included that phrase in the chorus of their song “End of the Road.”   Whitney Houston, Lenny Kravitz, and Muse each have songs by that name.  We love to use the phrase as a declaration of how deeply and completely we are devoted to another person, but is that all there is to it?  Are we truly trying to say, in effect, “you own me?”

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Keeping Kink, Poly, and Swinging Safe

As I have mentioned several times before, I am a member on FetLife.  For those not in “The Know”, FetLife is a social networking site that caters specifically to Kinksters, Fetishists, and the BDSM Lifestyle.  It is NOT a dating site, although people have met and do meet new partners through the site.  The intent behind FetLife is to encourage communication among members, share information about local events, and to help everybody within the BDSM Lifestyle grow.  In this vein, any member can register to start a new Group, similar to the Groups on Facebook.  The theme of the group can be anything; for example, one very large Group is Kinky and Geeky.  Another is “Swingers” is not a bad word!  There are groups for those who enjoy strap-on play; groups for those who are or like women who squirt.  Groups for people under 35, or stay up late, are Polyamorous, or live in particular areas are also prevalent.

Through joining these groups and participating in the very active discussion threads — these groups operate more like the early 2000’s message boards, wherein multiple topics are used for beginning discussion threads — members can expand their social network, learn things about nearly every subject imaginable, and generally become better partners both in and out of the Kink and Fetish scenes.  And, as with every other social network of note out there, members can write Journal Entries (think Facebook’s Notes) to share something outside one of the Groups.  Journal Entries and pictures have a “Love This?” button similar to Facebook’s “Like” feature.  Where Fetlife differs, however, is that pictures, videos, and journal entries that receive a great amount of love within a short period of time end up in the Kinky and Popular feed.

The Kinky and Popular feed is a page dedicated to the items of the day (or even time of day on a busy day) that has been clicked on the most for the “Love This” button.  As expected of a site geared toward adult members, the majority of the pictures, videos, and articles are of an adult nature, and in theme with the site often have an element of Kink, Fetish, or BDSM to them.  Some exquisite Shibari rope bondage work has been featured, including one woman suspended with multiple ropes stretched out to resemble angels wings.  Some of the artists and models are truly majestic in their presentations.  However, mixed in with all the imagery are the journal articles, and lately there has been a theme.  A theme of utmost importance within not only the Fetish/BDSM Lifestyle but also among the Swinger and Poly Lifestyle.  This theme is consent.

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Being Kinky Parents

Mrs. AbsinthePassion and I are far from a Vanilla couple.  Even by many Swinger standards we sit outside the accepted norms.   She’s straight-ish, while I’m Bi (more properly, Queer, which is a whole discussion unto itself.)  We’re Polyamorous.  And we’re active in the BDSM lifestyle;  she’s been going to Fetish Circuit for years on end and is a VERY good Domme, I’m still learning but make a good Switch so far.  We both have profiles on FetLife, where I have 147 fetishes listed as being into in one manner or another and an additional 14 about which I am curious.  We have a good variety of impact and bondage toys in the house, with a good focus on whips, crops, paddles, and cat-o-nine tails.  It’s a curious thing, as the exposure in the BDSM Lifestyle can, at times, make basic swinging seem, well, Vanilla.

Between looking for a boyfriend, looking for swing play, and the BDSM exploration on top of our very active sex life anyway, we are often stuck with one very serious, sobering question.  “How do we deal with the kids?”

Mrs. AP and I are both very sex positive.  We tell the 14 year old Genius Child that, when it comes time for him to start exploring things, we want him to be safe and responsible.  We have had several talks on proper safety procedures, proper emotional preparedness, etc.  While we know he’s intelligent enough to understand health risks and pregnancy scares, we’re not entirely certain his emotional intelligence is quite at the level yet to grasp things.  Nevertheless, we keep the lines of communication very open, and encourage him to come to us with any questions or concerns.  Usually this means he talks to me, as “talking to Mom” just makes him uncomfortable.  As a former teenage male, I understand, and I take great honor in being close enough to him after only 2 years in his life that he will discuss his concerns with me.

Then there are the 2 younger ones; Princess and Tank. (more…)