An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

An Open Letter to Dan Savage of Savage Love

  I know I do not post often and I am sorry for that dear readers. This is really my first posting as a writer to our beloved Blog. While I help my other half often in his writings I just have not gotten around to posting my self. I am very active on other forums and boards and I guess I need to move some of that activity here as well.

 You may be asking your self what got me in such a tizzy that I found the need to start posting here and invade our blog out of the blue. Well I was doing a bit of reading on the net and as one of my habits I read Savage Love. Well , one of his recent contributions to his column was simply lacking in many very very important things ( details given below) . I feel if you are going to put your self out there in the world as someone to go to for information, advice and such that when you do so, well You should do it properly and if you are unsure FACT CHECK FIRST!!  With that said.. I felt compelled to send him a letter about this bit of writing that he did. Mr. AP found it so profound that he requested all night that I bring it to the masses as an open Letter so here its is peeps!

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Hello Dan Savage,

  I am a very long time reader of your column and often refer people over to it as well as reference it not only in conversations, but in our own blog as well as many other sites that we are members of. Today, I went to catch up on my Savage Love and to my total dismay, my favorite sex positive writer missed a step. I was a bit taken back when reading the post labled “Three-way Relationship Intrigues Oblivious Straights” … I totally understand where this gentleman was coming from and found him to be rather open minded and forthcoming of him to have found this Triad to be “cool people” … Where I was shocked was in your response.. or LACK there of in this case. Yes you covered some of the questions that he asked but seemed to have left out one very VITAL detail.. there IS a common term that is accepted world wide by all sexual orientations being, that they were practicing Polyamory and from the sounds of it, had a long term Polyfidelitous relationships..  You went on to bulk at “some” for being of the mind set that it’s ” bad PR at a time when gay couples are fighting for the right to marry.” I feel you really did the same thing for all of the gay, straight and bisexual communities in neglecting to use the correct terminology .

 Poly relationships are found through out time and while the term Polyamory really only dates back to about the 1970’s there has been documented proof through all of person kind, since people started taking records of such things. If the common goal is to grow a better understand of the world and each other and there for breed understanding and knowledge, it is of great importance to use the proper terminologically when speaking about these matters and “educating” the masses. Sadly, I see this a a massive missed opportunity that could have brought light to a lot of peoples lives. With your post, people will likely google “throuples” and sadly will miss out on a lot of very good, very interesting information that is out there as well as the communities that Poly based relationships are involved in. They will never see that it is Legal for a Poly relationship to  marry in Holland and a few other places in the EU, they will never see that if they move to the UK, that while they can not marry there as a triad that if there were married in a place where it is legal that the UK will honor their marriage and their rights. They will never see the little known fact that their was a loop hole in California law that prop 8 killed that allowed for a 3rd person to join a per-existing marriage. They will never see that Poly comes in all sorts of flavors and colors from two  “couples” joining to forma quad to triads and so on.

 There are a lot of people in the world who feel lost in their feelings and sexual identity as well as orientation. While Poly may not be an answer for some of these people it could truly allow some to finely feel like them selves and loved for who they are and how they really want to live their life.  While not the only “group” massive impacted by this topic I think it is one that get the “hate” on is the Bisexuals. While, I , myself am not Bisexual my Fiance is. I have heard and see the hate that flies in his direction on a regular basis. The bulk of the Gay community still likes to soap box on that Bisexual males are just gay and have not come to terms with it yet, while the bulk of the hetro community will not only soap box on that but then will slander them for being sluts, creeps and perverts as well as cheaters whom cant have a ” normal ” relationship. While a lot of bisexuals can have a relationship and be happy on one side of the fence or the other there are also a lot that can’t. They end up feeling like they are not being true to them self or are being limited in what their lives can be and because no one speaks up from them  or the Poly community they just don’t know that it exist. They don’t have a name for whats in their head and heart, where to start looking for information and end up feeling like there is something wrong with them and that they must fit in some mold that was made for ether Dick and Jane, Dick and Dick or Jane and Jane and thats just not fair.  I feel it is pretictualry hard for bisexual men as apposed to bisexual woman who are found by the main stream to be “cute” or highly coveted by some males for the “3 some” side for their mind set. Most Bi Males are too scared to be shunned by their friends and families to speak up, much less have anyone to talk to about what they are felling.  If they have a gay friend that they open up too odds are they are told that they are gay and just in not willing to admit it yet. If they have a straight friend or GF whom they can open up to about it odds are they will get turned on , freaked out on and left in the dust begging them not to out them. At least if some of them know about the poly community they might at least be able to find people they could talk to who have, do and can walk and live on both sides of the fence in a great many ways.

 I beg of you to consider writing a follow up piece addressing the proper terminology and community  that this letter was written to you about. I feel that a great deal of people of all sexual orientations would benefit from it , learn and maybe even grow as people them selves or at least some level of tolerance when they encounter it in the “real” world.

 

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His column can be viewed here > http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15701114 and the  posting for this was on Jan 9th 2013

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5 responses

  1. Firstly Mrs. AP, it is an honor to meet you and I am as delighted by your writing as your fiance.

    Secondly, while I am not bisexual, or at least yet if you will allow the qualifier, my wife and I have been poly for three years now. My wife and her boyfriend have been together nearly a year and the three of us live together with my wife and I’s three children as comfortably and as happy as any traditional relationship pairing.

    The educational opportunity missed here is tremendous.

    He could have made people aware of a relationship system that has been around most likely since we all lived in caves on the plains of Europe and were the hunted minority in the savannahs of Africa.

    It is not as bad as hateful speech of course, but ignorance, whether accidental or intended saddens me more than nearly anything else in this world.

    My respects to both of you and my compliments on making sure an important issued is addressed

    January 14, 2013 at 8:13 am

    • Jessica Burde

      The truly sad thing is that Savage is fully aware of polyamory, has discussed it in the past and only last month started another kerfluffle when he told a man who identified as polyamory ‘Poly is what you do, not who you are.’ I’m afraid Savage has lost what little respect I ever had for him in his persistent stepping all over every sexual minority except lesbians and gays.

      January 14, 2013 at 6:01 pm

  2. Mrs. AP: Your letter was brilliant. (Coincidentally, I blogged today a little bit about my recent challenge of breaking an old relationship pattern in my new poly dynamic.) Thank you for saying what you did. Yes, I agree that Mr. Savage missed a huge opportunity to shed light on polyamory and the challenges of being a bisexual male. I try not to roll my eyes when a well-meaning person says, “oh she’s not a ‘real’ bisexual like you are.” Good grief, we’re part of a community that’s supposed to accept the non-mainstream paradigm yet so many are obsessed with categorizing a person’s sexual preferences as you can be this NOT that. Your thoughtful words and insight give me hope. What a wonderful start to my week. Hugs!

    January 14, 2013 at 9:42 am

  3. Powerfully written – brava!

    January 14, 2013 at 9:27 pm

  4. Pingback: Stop the Persecution « AbSINthePassion

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