An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Rent and Schism

This morning I unleashed a rant upon the sky.  One of the few perks my job affords me is the ability to walk along some of the waterways south of St. Petersburg, FL at times when few people are about.  This morning — very early this morning, before the birds awoke — I pace and ranted, yelled, muttered, and ranted some more.  The stars and the waves were all that bore witness to this meandering rant that contained enough circumlocutions not even Kevin Smith could have written them.

This rant followed very shortly two very important steps in my healing process.  First, foremost, and greatest of all is that Mrs. AP, in her incredibly insightful and supportive disposition, enticed and encouraged me to unleash many of the frustrations I’ve had over life in general for the past few weeks, all of which were brought to a boiling head one week ago when we learned we were no longer nurturing a pregnancy.  My mood crumbled, leaving me very down and dazed and not at all the high-spirited person to whom Mrs. AP has grown accustomed.  Worse still for both of us has been that we cannot find nor make peace with the loss of our child.  Neither of us prescribe to any particular religious precept — I’m closest to a Humanist-Agnostic with a respect for the Pagan and Buddhist tenets in respect to life and natural energy, she’s closest to a Pagan-Buddhist with a deep connection to nature and natural energy — so the usual Judeo-Christian platitudes of being reunited in Heaven ring rather hollow.  As we see it, what soul was there that abandoned our fetus may yet one day return to us, but for now we’re left without, and it hurts.  We both want answers, but realistically and scientifically there are no answers to give.  None of the tests that were run could provide anything solid.  Best guesses include stress or some fetal medical condition not discoverable via bloodwork.  We don’t know, and neither do the medical professionals.

Being able to vent to Mrs. AP and get things off my chest and mind and heart always help, as she is keen and quick to gently remind me, despite my obdurate stereotypical male pattern of attempting to shoulder everything myself and somehow shield or protect her from that which is troubling me.  She is my partner, and I hers, and that means I need to work (sometimes very hard against my nature) to share everything that’s troubling me so she feels connected and involved and in the loop.  I forget that she cannot read my mind, despite how close our connection may be otherwise.  Words are my tools, and I must use them.

Once she and I had finished discussing everything that was pouring forth from me and she succumbed to  the fight against the continuing pain and post D and C bleeding and put herself to bed, I turned to the only other reliable source of emotional outlet I know; music.  Music touches and unlocks things in me, helps me cope and see things I can’t otherwise access, and in times of deep pain helps me find the broken parts of me and reassemble then into some semblance of working order.  Mrs. AP lovingly and knowingly introduced me to a word of music I’d been seeking for years, and therein I discovered a band talented and diverse enough in style and composition to rival my long-time favorite.  Tonight I turned to this new love to seek and bring release, and three times consecutively I wept strongly while attempting to sing along, my voice cracking and breaking with every word and tears rolling down my face and off my chin.  At the end, though, came if not peace, than coping.  I want to share that release with you, SINful friends.  May I present:

VNV NationIllusion

I know it’s hard to tell how mixed up you feel
Hoping what you need is behind every door
Each time you get hurt, I don’t want you to change
Because everyone has hopes, you’re human after all

The feeling sometimes wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though you never belong
This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy
I truly understand, please don’t cry now

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you, please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you

Being like you are, well, this is something else
Who would comprehend? But some that do lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them, that’s not what I believe
And it doesn’t matter anyway

A part of your soul ties you to the next world
Or maybe to the last but I’m still not sure
But what I do know is to us the world is different
As we are to the world, I guess you would know that

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you, please, oh please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to change for all the hurt that you feel
This world is just illusion always trying to change you

Please don’t go, I want you to stay
I’m begging you, please, please don’t leave here
I don’t want you to hate for all the hurt that you feel
The world is just illusion trying to change you

Thank you all for your love and support as we’ve gone through this terribly difficult period.  You are amazing, all.

Stay SINful, friends.

6 responses

  1. Thinking peaceful, healing thoughts for you both.

    October 22, 2012 at 7:35 am

  2. faerie

    {{{HUGS}}} Give yourself some time and know you are not alone 🙂

    October 22, 2012 at 7:39 am

  3. It’s good to just let it all go and expel these things. I hit a heavy point myself last night which resulted in allowing myself to just cry it out. Wishing you both the best in your healing.

    October 22, 2012 at 10:24 am

  4. I’m glad you were able to vent. You need to do that.

    You sound like excellent partners together, the mutual support and love I can see in this difficult time speaks to that.

    VNV Nation – an excellent choice! Music helps me in a similar way.

    October 25, 2012 at 10:48 am

    • Mrs. AP reminds me often that I need to vent before exploding like Krakatoa. She is by far the most understanding, insightful, and supportive person I’ve ever had in my life. I am better by knowing her. Being her partner and lover is the best gift imaginable.

      VNV Nation is second only to Tool for the ability to move and stir me, and both give amazing concerts that I liken more to religious experiences. I never felt The Divine at church, but on the floor surrounded by fellow concertgoers at both groups shows I’ve felt the stirrings. I can’t wait until either group comes this way again.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      October 27, 2012 at 9:42 pm

  5. Pingback: A Changing of Winds | AbSINthePassion

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