An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

How Not To Save A Marriage

When it comes to doing things badly, I took the cake for a couple years.   My (then) wife gave me a run for my money, but I believe that in terms of sabotaging the relationship I ultimately brainwashed myself into thinking I was doing my best when I was in fact doing the exact opposite.  I am not proud of my actions.  I am not proud of the way I reacted to my wife’s actions.  In the end we’re both to blame.  There’s no way around that.

I wish it sounded better, but there’s no way around it; the trouble started within 6 months of getting married.  No, scratch that.  The trouble started 2 years before getting married, I was just too blind, dedicated, and self-deceptive to recognize our problems for what they were.  We were incompatible in may ways and we both refused to see that.  Our sex life was dwindling, our communication skills were shot, but we pushed forward on the premise that love would help us make things better.  Once we had committed to a wedding venue and date we both felt “locked in”.  I know I did.  It became a matter of course more than joy, but after watching far too much Bridezillas on TV I was just happy we weren’t that bad.  So on we pushed on a path plotted into the heart of disaster.

Within 4 months of getting married the wife was pregnant.  Within 2 months of that she flat out told me that she just couldn’t control when she was in the mood for sex and that any advances I made just made her feel worse.  Being the understanding husband I tried to let her be.  Being the horny, unfulfilled, undesired husband I did the wrong thing, and signed up for an adult dating / NSA sex site.  I thoughtfully wrote the profile, explaining I had a wife whom I loved and got along with wonderfully in every way but who had decided that my cock was best served not going near her.  I listed that I was Bi.  I listed I was married and that she didn’t know I was doing this.  I listed that I was a lying cheating son-of-a-bitch dumb bastard.

And thus I became one.

Over the course of the pregnancy the wife and I did not have sex once.  I tried for more often, making yse of every seduction technique I could muster.  We went on dates.  We went on holiday together.  I would have a candlelit bath drawn for her when she got home from work, and I’d wash her back and give her a gentle upper body massage.  Nothing worked.  Trying to talk about it was met with either cold rebuke or tearful admonitions.  I was either the bad guy or the bad guy.  When mentioning the possibility of me trying to seek release somewhere else I was told very simply that I had a hand at hand whenever I wanted.

So I became the bad guy and sought comfort and release with other people.  And when the wife would show a modicum of interest for a day or two after the birth of our son, I would respond wholeheartedly… until the next two to three weeks of a lack of interest on her part.  During these times I would again seek out new partners through the adult site.  This site also came into use when I traveled for work; on two trips (out of nearly 20) over the course of two years I found somebody local for a one-time fling.   At home, most flings were one-time things as well.  Once or twice I met somebody for a second time, maybe even a third, but never more than that.

Shortly after our second anniversary the wife started warming up to me solidly again, and for about a week out of every month we’d have sex like crazy, often with her initiating things.  I drank like a parched man and took every chance I got… only to go dry again for another three weeks.  Bound and determined as I was to be a stats geek I document every day that we did, and noticed a pattern the exact same time she told me she was pregnant again; we’d been having sex on her fertile days.  Only.  Granted, we’d agreed to start trying again when I thought things were warming up between us, but to know she’d only been interested in me when she might get pregnant was like a kick in the gut.

Just like the first pregnancy, the second resulted in no contact between us sexually for the duration.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I demanded.  I ranted.  And finally, one night, after hours of trying to get her to engage in conversation with me she said “I know you’re not happy, but I don’t want to hear it anymore.  I can’t take the stress.”  Just like that, I knew we were over.

I played the good husband, waiting for a chance to leave.  Work had laid me off a month before and I was scrambling hard to find something else.  I grew tired of the endless games on the adult site and signed up for a more tame site, one that promised more personal connections but still required no membership fees for proper use.  I answered questions and wrote comments in the forums and managed to find some people for some more extra-curricular play, but still remained unfulfilled.

It is a lonely life, being depressed, being in a marriage you know is irrevocably broken, being unemployed, and engaging in meaningless hookups that result in only momentarily distracting one from the emptiness inside.

It was in this state that Mrs. AP found me.  Through our very long site-email and instant message conversations she heard all of this from me, yet still cared enough to listen.  She was intrigued enough to want more.   Soon our chats became more friendly, more personal, more engaging.  I found myself longing for that connection with her more than I wanted to be at home with my wife.  The crucial moment came one night when Mrs. AP said via chat “You know, I can feel you withdraw when you know she’s coming home.  You go from being alive and vibrant to being dead inside.  I can feel that drop from you even from here.”

She was right.  I became dead inside when my wife was around.  I hated it and knew I had to leave before I was well and truly dead.  I had to get out before I destroyed myself instead of just our marriage.  And so, just a few short weeks after my daughter, I left.  I ran to the one place that offered solace and welcome and a complete lack of judgment, and moved in with Mrs. AP and her (then) husband.  The three of us became a Polyamorous Triad and worked our damned best to make it work.

I know the actions I took likely hastened the demise of my marriage.  Looking back, it seems inevitable.  I felt — I still feel — that in many ways I was used.  I was used to provide stability and comfort and children, like some weird version of a stable stud.

The divorce was ugly.  My wife used my sexuality and my living situation against me, and the courts backed her up.  My contact with my Bio-kids is only allowed under the supervision of my wife or her family, despite the fact that I have passed no less than 6 FBI-level background checks and at least 3 TSA-level background checks in the past 7 years.

SINful friends, I am not proud of what I did or what it made of me.  I do not ever want to, nor intend to, revisit those lonely, empty years I spent seeking satisfaction in the arms of others.  Mrs. AP fulfills me, completes me, satisfies me in ways that I used to think we only possible in the films and romance novels.  My life is whole with her, and she has pushed and kicked and struggled to help me become a better man than I used to be.  She still fears at times that I will revert to that old behavior — what I call my Slut Period — but I know her fears are unfounded.

Yes, I was acting badly to do what I did.  I also felt I had no choice.  I had a partner who would not listen or engage.  I do not have that problem now.  In fact, per Mrs. AP’s oft complaint, I am the one who has problems communicating.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes I get locked in my head, or can only seem to get things out through writing.  Writing here, writing in email…  it is my preferred medium, my safety net, my comfort zone.  I keep trying to push that comfort zone, though, and walk without the safety net.  To be open and honest in my words aloud as well in my words written.  Mrs. AP is graciously, lovingly, incredibly supportive through it all.  She is amazing.  She is wonderful.  She is everything I need and want in a partner for this life and all the rest.

It took me destroying one marriage to find the person to whom I should – -and will — be married for eternity.

 

Stay SINful, friends.

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22 responses

  1. Wow. Thank you for sharing this. It’s not easy to share something so personal, especially when you’re not proud of it and they show the darkest times of your life.

    It was my experience too where I was in a marriage I felt trapped in and unhappy. I was unfulfilled emotionally and sexually. By chance I happened to find the BF in my stress-free zone: MMO gaming. We flirted, even openly where my ex could hear through my speakers. When things started to get racy, I turned to headphones. Things went very fast from “I want a divorce” to the BF moving in. To the world it may seem fast, but what people on the outside don’t see is that you’ve been drifting apart and moving on SO much that you don’t need any time in between. You’re already moved on and ready to go.

    I’m so glad you left and found happiness with Mrs. AP. No one should live in a relationship where you are dead inside. I’m sorry that you were used… and that the end result of divorce and bio-kid sharing continues to be a painful reminder of those times. Life often isn’t fair they say and sometimes it’s just really unfair.

    What’s important is how you faced it and found love and happiness in your life. Those feelings come across in your writing and I love to hear it.

    September 9, 2012 at 11:07 am

    • It… wasn’t easy at all just getting through daily life back then. I am infinitely better with Mrs. AP, and our kids (bio-hers, heart-mine) are a wonderful reminder that family isn’t just blood, it’s love and comfort and caring and support.

      The Buddha was right, as I learned the hard way; suffering leads to happiness. Sometimes the path just meanders more than we expect.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 9, 2012 at 7:18 pm

  2. It is so complicated – life. I agree that you have to go find your happiness and I also was raised to never leave a marriage. Sometimes you can’t do both. I really thought this was informative and interesting and you can’t be too hard on yourself.

    I think you were right when you said it started before you were even married. Weddings in this country are a machine that cannot be stopped sometimes. Le sigh.

    I am so sorry about your kids – kids need dads. Dad’s need kids.

    September 9, 2012 at 11:56 am

    • I certainly didn’t feel like I could stop it. At the same time, I didn’t want to stop it. I wanted to push through, to persevere, to make things better. I was broken in the process. Lucky for me, Mrs. AP is fantastic at puzzles and has helped put me back together. ^_^

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 9, 2012 at 7:19 pm

  3. I can’t tell you his many times I have heard similar stories to yours. I am happy to have read that it had a much brighter outcome and I hope it stays that way for you. We all have a right to be happy in life and I believe we make our own happiness.

    September 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    • I decided to seek that happiness, and found it with Mrs. AP. She is my perfect partner, companion, lover, and friend. I could not have asked for better, and could not want for more.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 9, 2012 at 7:21 pm

  4. Mr. AP,

    I had a far less traumatic experience, but was engaged to a woman who was not right for me. I understand that feeling of being in a shitty relationship and still thinking that it is as good as it gets or as good as you deserve.

    I love the feeling I get when I look back on that relationship and realize the bullet I dodged – well, she actually broke up with me after I ‘cheated’ on her. It is shitty you had to go there to get here, but life is mysterious!

    TTFN
    Mr. No Name

    September 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    • Mysterious and sometimes delirious and once explained sometimes too serious!

      I’m glad you dodged the metaphorical bullet, my friend. SM certainly seems to fulfill you in every way you need. Good on ya!

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

  5. Emen

    You didn’t destroy that marriage, lovey. It was doomed before it began.

    Live your life, enjoy your joy. Let your children see that you do, even under the worst of visitation conditions. When the time comes its up to them what connection they want with you, they will want it.

    September 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    • I’m doing everything I can to put things back together to the point where I can not only have my bio-kids over to see their step brothers and sister, but also have a safe place within my home that they can call their own.

      Maybe when I do their mother will actually respond to me again. Who knows?

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 9, 2012 at 7:26 pm

  6. I am happy you found the fulfilling life you have now, yet saddened you had to take such a hard road to get there. I hope someday your kids understand what happened and why. It sounds like you are a devoted dad, and doing your best under terrible conditions. All we ever do is our best with what we’ve got.

    September 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    • Doing the best I can, yes. Things will get better. Mrs. AP and I have multiple projects in the works that will pay out eventually and set us up so that neither us nor any of our children will ever need to worry about losing a job or having no place to go ever again.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 9, 2012 at 7:27 pm

  7. I like this and thank you for sharing this. I found that I didn’t know or even understand love until my monogamous marriage turned poly – then it all made sense.

    September 9, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    • I’m glad you found something that resonates with you and works for you and yours. I hope it continues to refresh and fulfill you always.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 10, 2012 at 3:51 am

  8. That was some powerful stuff. Thanks for sharing this painful part of your life.

    September 10, 2012 at 6:53 am

    • Thank you for reading. Hopefully somebody somewhere can recognize some of what I write and react with a better understanding to their own situations.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 10, 2012 at 8:16 pm

  9. Even before reading the post, the title made me think, “have a baby” and “open your relationship”.

    Sadly, after years of blogging and meeting people through it, I am shocked at how common your story really is. So many relationships of non sex or sex that maybe happens a few times a years. My husband shares the same story almost. He was in a sexless marriage (first wife) and was a virgin for the first 3 years of his marriage. When the two of them finally started having *some* sex, he felt it a great time to start a family, so they had a baby. Of course, things didn’t get better. Now he and I are together.

    Sorry about your children and I hope that gets resolved very quickly. My husband’s child is *the* reason we keep quiet about our open lives. But I would honestly rather be open about it with everyone. But, I have to respect my husband’s decision in the matter as well.

    September 10, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    • It is a sad and familiar story, although that takes none of the responsibility away from me. I chose my actions, I must live with the consequences. Perhaps someday my ex-wife will feel like holding cordial, civil discourse again. She’s big on holding grudges, though, so I’m not unrealistically hopeful on that point.

      I’m glad Sylvanus found his way out, and clearly he’s best with you. Congrats to you both.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 10, 2012 at 8:21 pm

  10. SirQsMLB

    WOW – thanks for sharing this…you know that experience of being used is just … brutal. It is a betrayal at such a basic level and it’s tough to be forever tied to someone who was so selfish. What a gift Mrs. AP is in your life. You know, sometimes life gives you experiences so you can find or appreciate your soulmate. This sounds amazing like that…
    You seem like you really have your shit together to see yourself and your previous actions for what they were (good, bad AND indifferent) – to find the silver linings and learn and move on. Thanks again for sharing – it was really meaningful.

    September 10, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    • Mrs. AP sometimes tells me that I’m overly optimistic, but I do have the tendency to find silver linings and cling to them, sometimes until my fingers bleed. Learning when to let go to avoid damaging myself has been the hardest part, and I thank Mrs. AP every day for helping me find that point.

      Thank you for the support.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 10, 2012 at 8:24 pm

  11. Tink

    Thank you, for sharing your story, I am just at the beginning of the end of my 21yr marriage. Apt that your blog was made on my anniversary! I’ll take it as a sign! Thanks again, I know have some hope for a happy future.

    September 10, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    • There is always hope, and I hope for you that you find your way into a better place with better people. Best!

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 10, 2012 at 8:28 pm

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