An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Moving Past Bad Experiences

We’ve all been there at one point in our live or another; the date that doesn’t work out, the job interview that pans, the attempted hookup with another couple that ends with everybody frustrated.  Okay, maybe we haven’t all had that last experience, but you get my point already, right?  Sometimes, despite the best laid plans, despite the best intentions, and despite the best effort… things don’t work out.  How we deal with these times determines how we bounce back from them.  Moving forward isn’t an option, after all; we must, or we get left behind.  So how, then, do we recover from something that leaves us embarrassed, confused, hurt, crushed, or destroyed?

Everybody has a different coping mechanism, and not everybody applies the same mechanism to every scenario.  Life is filled with disappointment in all forms after all, and I know I react much differently to a favorite sports team losing than I do to a date going badly.  I expect most reasonable people behave in similar fashions, although I cannot guarantee this applies to the die-hard baseball or football fans I’ve seen sink into depressions because the team lost one lousy game.

When it comes to being Single, Poly, or a Swinger the bad date brings with it the added element of a missed (or botched) sexual opportunity.  It may not be the first date, second date, or even tenth date, but at some point in the dating process the comes the expectation of mutual sexual congress.  The anticipation grows, the expectations rise, and eventually the clothing falls.  With this heightened element comes the heightened perception of risk, reward, and failure.    We come away from a successful encounter feeling like we have accomplished something incredible and worthwhile.  There is potential for More, in whatever form that may take.  Conversely, an unsuccessful encounter leaves us lost, bewildered,  or worse.  We question ourselves, our choice in potential Other, the venue, the timing, the conversation, etc.  Success breeds success, they say, and every time we miss that mark the self-doubt kicks in and establishes yet another foot-hold.  Both cycles become self-fulfilling prophecies.  The trick, then, is to actively focus on creating the cycle we want while avoiding that which we do not desire.

Obviously, this is not as easy as it sounds.  Active thought and behavioral interference is required to “break out of the slump”, and realizing when and where to apply changes is not always easy.  The most common technique referenced it to try to actively notice every time a negative thought is had, and replace that with a positive thought.  No self berating for having the negative thought, just a simple one to one replacement ratio of negative with positive.  No, it’s not easy.  I don’t do it all the time, nor even, I think, more than half the time, but I’m working at it to make myself better at it.

Mrs. AP and I have had two instances in the past year where what we thought would turn into something good or better fizzled out without any notification to us that things hadn’t gone as well as we thought.  We had a date with a fine man we found on OKCupid, and it seemed to us (or at least to me) that everything had gone well.  We laughed, we joked, we flirted, we talked of all our common interests, and we had good coffee together.  After the date, though, we heard nothing from him.  No more messages on OKCupid, no more IMs… it was if he vanished.  We still don’t know why things didn’t proceed.  We cannot dwell on it, though; the way I see it, if we didn’t work out it was because something between us all didn’t quite feel right, and none of us want to see anything forced.

The second instance came after our evening and night over at our friend’s house that resulted in some really hot sex between us all.  Mrs. AP has known this friend for a decade or more, and they’ve both circle around flirting with each other even when they were each dating other people.  It seemed to me that everything went very well indeed, and I certainly look back on the night fondly.  Sadly, we heard nothing from him for a week, and when we finally did get a response from him, he informed us that he had decided to get back into the dating game.  We’re both still a little angry at him for the way he handled the lack of communication with us, and frankly we both feel a little used by the whole thing.  This, too, we know we need to overcome and move beyond.  Baggage, as they say, is best used when traveling.

Rejection will come for us more in the future, I’m sure.  As we grow more confident in our ability to walk into a place like Eyz Wide Shut and hook up with a hot single guy or a sexy couple, we will find potential partners with whom we’d like to play but who have no interest in us.  It will happen.  Karen Blue and Rebecca Ammon have both been in The Lifestyle and visiting Eyz Wide Shut longer than Mrs. AP and I, and they’ve both mentioned still having trouble not personalizing and internalizing being rejected or having to reject someone.  It happens and we’ll just have to find our coping and recovery systems.

But what about when there isn’t rejection and things just go south?  I had an encounter with another guy once where I very clearly laid down the ground rules that oral play was fine but he had to stay away from my ass.  Despite repeated warnings from me when he tried to violate that rule — and me! — he still insisted on trying to slip in a finger or two.  I ended up leaving him twitching as I twisted my body away from his, brought him to the edge of orgasm, and then let go to watch him pulse and throb and very slowly leak all over himself as his cum flowed out of him like syrup from a maple tree.  I got dressed while he struggled to clean himself up and I left, never to see him again.  He pushed me, failed to respect me, and violated the trust I placed in him during an intimate encounter.  I didn’t, don’t, and won’t stand for that sort of behavior with myself, and especially not with Mrs. AP.  When we set limits we expect those limits to be followed, always.  Should something like that ever happen with somebody else, we’ll end the session right then and there, or at least step back and review the rules.

What we will not do is withdraw entirely from living the life we choose to lead.  Not everybody is going to be a good match.  Not everybody is going to be a good playmate.  And not every situation will end with everybody feeling content to stay friends afterward, or even ever speak again.  That is part of the risk of embarking on this journey of being ethically non-monogamous.  Nevertheless, it is a risk I am willing to take.

Besides, the rewards can be quite … satisfying.

 

Stay SINful, friends.

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22 responses

  1. I love this post and can align many of mine and YSL experiences to it.

    It’s hard to find a match to you as a single but in swinging to find 4 (or more) that hit it off social and sexually is a tough goal.

    My repeated frustration lies with the men being a let down, often profile focus on the female images and we have often found the male sadly lacking (in everything from intelligence to front teeth and deodorant!!). But we take each new experience and learn and ready ourselves for the next with enthusiasm and optimism.

    Yummy xxx

    September 4, 2012 at 6:46 am

    • Mrs. AP and I have seen the same thing. We get further frustrated by the fact that she’s straight and I’m bi; finding another couple comfortable with that dynamic, much less openly matching that dynamic, is nigh impossible. We’re more comfortable trying to find a single Bi male. Heavy emphasis on “try”…

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 4, 2012 at 7:40 pm

  2. This is heartening after my recent bad date/good scene adventure. Thanks! (Big Hug)

    September 4, 2012 at 9:38 am

    • You’re very welcome. The subject was eating at me; I’m glad I was able to give it voice.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 4, 2012 at 8:14 pm

  3. Very interesting post Mr. AP. Thoughtful and timely. 🙂

    September 4, 2012 at 9:41 am

  4. Josh

    There is very little more frustrating than clearing the schedule, finding a babysitter, spending money and going out, only to find the people you are meeting are not your types. BB and I always meet people that we pick up from our swinger profile at a club. It does not take very long to make snap decisions to bail and to have options with the rest of the night.

    Rejection is a part of the game, and I’d rather people be open with it. I’m not going to like 100% of the people I meet, and if I don’t like you we’re not having sex. I don’t expect everyone to like me either, and if by happenstance we end up in the same room, break it off and don’t waste my time.

    Our goal is to have fun, and I’m not going to let someone else ruin my fun. If we can’t find a 3rd, 4th, etc. partner than we get to have fun with each other.

    (Also, not cool on the guy for violating rules. I liked that you left him high at the top of the experience for him to crash down.)

    September 4, 2012 at 10:13 am

    • Exactly. It should be fun, not feel like a chore, and not much is worse than having to sit through an awkward meal or an uncomfortable cup of coffee trying to figure out a way to bail out tactfully.

      Granted, we have the added element of sometimes trying to find somebody to date, which requires an entirely different sort of approach. I think there’s a great deal more emailing and chatting and texting in those cases before we meet in some public, so a good idea of our rapport is established beforehand. Either way, things can still fizzle out in person.

      Yeah, that guy unleashed part of my sadistic side. I like to think my response was creative.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 4, 2012 at 8:45 pm

  5. Kat

    Very good post as per usual. While I don’t live your lifestyle I remember hating dating. I didn’t hate that things didn’t work out, I hated the lack of communication. If you don’t find someone physically attractive or want a second date with someone, just be honest. Lack of honesty kills me every time.

    September 4, 2012 at 10:57 am

    • I wish it was different trying to date or play as a couple these days. Sadly, not so much.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 4, 2012 at 8:46 pm

  6. Emen

    Beautifully thought out and presented. We all go through this, no matter our constructs. I can’t help but think with your enlightenment and perception you’re not doing everything you can to make each encounter matter.

    Good for you leaving mr buttfuck to fuck his own butt. No gender discrimination meant, I’ve had women cross those lines too.

    @Yummy, “lacking (in everything from intelligence to front teeth and deodorant)” snorted wine all over the phone 🙂

    September 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    • Thank you. It’s one of those unifying themes that reminds us all that no matter which lifestyle/s we lead we’re all still people who deserve courtesy and respect.

      No gender discrimination felt at all. Assholes are assholes irrespective of genital identity.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 4, 2012 at 9:00 pm

  7. Mr. AP,

    You do not need me to tell you more of what you know, have read and seen in the comments. What I will say is that what you have said sums up another reason SM and I swing at the club. You will know by the turn dancing has taken if sex is to happen or not. It does lack the intimacy of someone you know well, but it avoids all this rejection, frustration and awkwardness.

    You will find your stride in due course. Give it time, but don’t give it your full devotion, heart or soul…it will hurt you too much.

    Just a thought.

    Mr. No Name

    September 4, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    • Need, no, but your words of advice are always welcome, my friend. Though, I think MV has a better dance floor than EWS, as well as choice of music. :-p

      Mrs. AP gets my full devotion. If, while dating, we find somebody else who meshes well with us in every way, he’ll get full devotion as well. Until then, it’s all good and it’s all in fun.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 4, 2012 at 9:09 pm

  8. faerie

    Hmmm…I’ve been monogamous for so long I don’t think I would even know HOW to date anymore, lol. Oh well, since I’m not looking it’s not really an issue. But it is kinda sad that it seems to be so hard to find actual decent people. There must be some left, somewhere, right?

    I often say, when my past comes up, that I had to kiss a lot of toads before I found my prince. I hope you find more princes then toads 🙂

    September 4, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    • And if not princes, at least some really hot and sexy times with those we do find! 😀

      I’m happy for you that your Musicman plays the right tune for you and hits all the right notes.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 4, 2012 at 10:22 pm

  9. It takes great emotional maturity to play this way and I think you manage it beautifully!

    September 5, 2012 at 12:41 am

    • Thank you! We certainly can’t get through any of it without a painful amount of honesty with ourselves and each other, but it’s so very worth the effort.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      September 5, 2012 at 3:02 am

  10. Reblogged this on Threesomes and variations.

    September 6, 2012 at 11:28 pm

  11. More people who are in the lifestyle should read your blog; this was very well written and very informative!

    September 7, 2012 at 11:22 pm

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