An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

You’ve Got The Touch

You’ve got the power!


Ahem.  Sorry friends, I was having a childhood moment there,  but it ties in well with something that’s on my mind right now.  Actually a lot of somethings, but they’re all related, so I’m running with it.  Whats been bobbling through my head tonight (when a headache and exhaustion allow me to think) is power exchanges and how they manifest differently within each relationship.  A quick run through my blogroll finds many beautiful permutations of this; there’s a Professional Doinatrix, several couples involved in Domestic Discipline, several more who are in full-time Dom/sub relationships, a few slaves each belonging only to one Master, Swingers, spankos, Poly Switches, and more.  The diversity runs the full gamut, but the unifying thread among them all is that in each case, whether it’s DD, D/s, TTWD, BDSM, or some other term there is always an exchange of power taking place.  This makes me wonder, is if just a Kink thing?

I don’t link to any Vanilla blogs, really.  It’s not my taste; in retrospect, it never really has been.  I’ve been involved in makeshift tie-me-to-the-bed with rope off and on since my early 20’s, but left it for a long while due to an unresponsive partner and a decaying spiral of my self-esteem.  I’ve been into the ideas and fantasies of exploring group sex in all it’s forms since I discovered Penthouse magazine at the age of 12.  Yes, parents, you read that right, 12.  (Goodness, and I have an almost-15 year old male with his own laptop.  The horrors… )  With the help of the gloriously beautiful and understanding (and equally kinky) Mrs. AP I can explore those aspects and unleash them again.  Even so, there’s no clear-cut full-time power exchange with Mrs. AP and I.  Sometimes I take the lead role — be it Top, Dom, or Head of Household — and make sure shit gets done the way I want.  Other times she takes change, and the house falls in line accordingly.  To me, this seems normal.  I also thing it has something to do with my upbringing.

As I’ve mentioned, Dad was an Air Force Officer.  The U.S. Air Force is incredibly fond of acronyms; if one does not exist for a position or task one will be created just for fun.  Dad’s common acronym for Mom was CINCHouse, which expands to Commander-in-Chief of the House.  This was the simple way of saying that Mom was in charge, and this was often backed up by Dad repeating the phrase “If Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.”  Despite these teachings, though, if there was anything involving work that extended beyond the interior borders of the house, Dad took charge.  Fast.  He very obviously led Mom run the home, but out  in the rest of the world she fell in behind him and let him lead.  Without any element of D/s involved, they Switched between public and private Dominant roles, and did so without ever seeming to think about it.  It just happened.

I think that’s the norm in the Vanilla land.  Couples form and they integrate and personalities adjust and eventually it “just happens” that somebody takes the more Dominant role.  There’s not much thought or discussion behind it, which very likely leads to most of the arguments; after all, if the parties involved both think themselves in charge, or the other person in charge, and there’s no formalizing of things, indecision and stalemate becomes the norm.  I know.  I’ve done it that way many a time before.

In the Kink world in which Mrs. AP and I  and all you wonderful readers live, however, there are generally defined roles.  One person is in charge, one person makes a best effort to follow, and things work themselves out with more discussion, more cooperation, and more honest effort than elsewhere.  The slave will obey the Master or suffer; same between sub and Dom.  Even among Swingers, there is the generally understood power structure that the women are in charge and decide who they’re playing with that night.

Mrs. AP and I don’t have a formalized set of rules or contracts to follow.  We both agreed going into our relationship that we want this to be a partnership, and that we are both equal to each other.  The fact that we can incorporate D/s and BDSM play equally between us as Top and Bottom and as Dom and sub is unique and unconventional even among the unconventional, but it works for us.  There are times, though, when one of us just has to step up, take command of a situation, and get shit done.  Sometimes she does, other times I do, but either way we always back the other up.

After all, while we may willing exchange power with each other, we never let anybody take it from us.


Stay SINful, friends.

9 responses

  1. I think this is one of the great things about the alternative lifestyle that its so varied, and for the most part there is no judgement of others, or expectations of how a dynamic should be..there are no set rules, ideals etc.

    Like yourself i dont follow vanilla blogs because its not something that interests me and also i doubt very much they could relate to me either, whereas i do follow a wide diversity of blogs that are kink of some form and yet so very different, i like different perspectives but also im of the opinion that you can never learn or listen too much.


    August 8, 2012 at 6:36 am

    • I think you’re mostly right about the lack of judgment. I still face my share of it from time to time, when people decide to lambaste me as both selfish and confused for being Poly/Switch/Queer. I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes a particularly scathing remark (usually through dating or social-networking sites) will strike a chord and leave me wounded for a time.

      I love learning new things, and I love love love how so many of the writers I follow will regularly have some remarkable piece of insight that leads to me understanding my own motivations and reactions more clearly. You all are fantastic for that! Thank you!

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      August 11, 2012 at 9:03 pm

  2. My late wife and I played but like many of us we lived most of our life in the vanilla world. In both we had clearly defined roles. it was close to that “1950’s household” fetish. It also followed that Biblical admonition that the husband shoud be the head of the house and the wife should obey. However as it should be with any Dom, my first concern was her well being.
    Vanilla blogs aren’t my thing either.

    August 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    • And it worked for you, clearly. I agree that a good Dom will have the best interests of the sub in mind and at heart. I also posit that any partner should have the best interests of the other partner(s) in mind and at heart. I think we all avoid unpleasant situations that way.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      August 11, 2012 at 9:05 pm

  3. Without SOME power exchange, sex can hardly happen. And good sex can’t. In my humble opinion.

    August 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

  4. There is no true power exchange of any sort in or out of my home. My wife is the boss on all levels when it comes to me.
    I usually have the lead in sexual situations, but it is always within whatever bounds she sets. It is as if I play the boss, but only as long as I am following her unwritten (but well known) guidelines. So in essence she is still in power even when I am holding the reins.

    The odd thing however is that outside of our relationship it is the opposite. She is rarely the boss of others and I have always been so.

    August 9, 2012 at 3:28 am

    • Could it not be said, though, that in following her rules you have relinquished power and exchanged it by giving it to her? She is the boss, as you put. You agree to that. Is that any different from a sub giving up control to a Dom? Am I too deep down the rabbit hole to see it any other way, even if you proclaim otherwise?

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      August 11, 2012 at 9:10 pm

  5. I think I am quite fascinated with your power exchange, because the story I’m working on suddenly became a switch story! I was so surprised– I hadn’t expected that, but it is soooo very hot to me.

    I love reading about you and Mrs. AP.

    Oh and I laughed about your 15 year old with a laptop– it is a scary thought!!

    August 10, 2012 at 1:01 am

    • I think Switches are like the Spanish Inquisition; nobody expects it!

      I’m lucky with Genius Child. After nearly 2 years he still refuses to admit he’s a teenager. If he was more of a typical hormonal teenager I’d be more concerned, but he just plays video games and listens to music. As teens go, in that regard he’s more manageable than most.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      August 11, 2012 at 9:46 pm

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