You’ve Got The Touch
You’ve got the power!
Ahem. Sorry friends, I was having a childhood moment there, but it ties in well with something that’s on my mind right now. Actually a lot of somethings, but they’re all related, so I’m running with it. Whats been bobbling through my head tonight (when a headache and exhaustion allow me to think) is power exchanges and how they manifest differently within each relationship. A quick run through my blogroll finds many beautiful permutations of this; there’s a Professional Doinatrix, several couples involved in Domestic Discipline, several more who are in full-time Dom/sub relationships, a few slaves each belonging only to one Master, Swingers, spankos, Poly Switches, and more. The diversity runs the full gamut, but the unifying thread among them all is that in each case, whether it’s DD, D/s, TTWD, BDSM, or some other term there is always an exchange of power taking place. This makes me wonder, is if just a Kink thing?
I don’t link to any Vanilla blogs, really. It’s not my taste; in retrospect, it never really has been. I’ve been involved in makeshift tie-me-to-the-bed with rope off and on since my early 20’s, but left it for a long while due to an unresponsive partner and a decaying spiral of my self-esteem. I’ve been into the ideas and fantasies of exploring group sex in all it’s forms since I discovered Penthouse magazine at the age of 12. Yes, parents, you read that right, 12. (Goodness, and I have an almost-15 year old male with his own laptop. The horrors… ) With the help of the gloriously beautiful and understanding (and equally kinky) Mrs. AP I can explore those aspects and unleash them again. Even so, there’s no clear-cut full-time power exchange with Mrs. AP and I. Sometimes I take the lead role — be it Top, Dom, or Head of Household — and make sure shit gets done the way I want. Other times she takes change, and the house falls in line accordingly. To me, this seems normal. I also thing it has something to do with my upbringing.
As I’ve mentioned, Dad was an Air Force Officer. The U.S. Air Force is incredibly fond of acronyms; if one does not exist for a position or task one will be created just for fun. Dad’s common acronym for Mom was CINCHouse, which expands to Commander-in-Chief of the House. This was the simple way of saying that Mom was in charge, and this was often backed up by Dad repeating the phrase “If Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.” Despite these teachings, though, if there was anything involving work that extended beyond the interior borders of the house, Dad took charge. Fast. He very obviously led Mom run the home, but out in the rest of the world she fell in behind him and let him lead. Without any element of D/s involved, they Switched between public and private Dominant roles, and did so without ever seeming to think about it. It just happened.
I think that’s the norm in the Vanilla land. Couples form and they integrate and personalities adjust and eventually it “just happens” that somebody takes the more Dominant role. There’s not much thought or discussion behind it, which very likely leads to most of the arguments; after all, if the parties involved both think themselves in charge, or the other person in charge, and there’s no formalizing of things, indecision and stalemate becomes the norm. I know. I’ve done it that way many a time before.
In the Kink world in which Mrs. AP and I and all you wonderful readers live, however, there are generally defined roles. One person is in charge, one person makes a best effort to follow, and things work themselves out with more discussion, more cooperation, and more honest effort than elsewhere. The slave will obey the Master or suffer; same between sub and Dom. Even among Swingers, there is the generally understood power structure that the women are in charge and decide who they’re playing with that night.
Mrs. AP and I don’t have a formalized set of rules or contracts to follow. We both agreed going into our relationship that we want this to be a partnership, and that we are both equal to each other. The fact that we can incorporate D/s and BDSM play equally between us as Top and Bottom and as Dom and sub is unique and unconventional even among the unconventional, but it works for us. There are times, though, when one of us just has to step up, take command of a situation, and get shit done. Sometimes she does, other times I do, but either way we always back the other up.
After all, while we may willing exchange power with each other, we never let anybody take it from us.
Stay SINful, friends.