An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Overcoming Insecurity

As I grow and explore all the facets of myself that have lie dormant the past decade, I often find myself running headlong into ideas that both fascinate me and set my anxiety to full throttle.  In many ways it’s like being a clumsy teenager again, where I know I want to try something but my inexperience sets my nerves ablaze.  The perfectionist within me hates being unprepared or to look foolish or awkward, which leads me to over prepare and over anticipate and generally short circuit myself.  This habit at least makes sense when I’m expecting to try something new and I’m nothing but nervous smiles and silly giggles.  My protective mechanisms kick in and I react by becoming a nervous school girl.  I get that.  What I don’t get is why it happens when I’m expecting or presented with something I’m already done?  Why the anxiety and insecurity over something I not only can handle but also enjoy?

This happens with me in a few key areas, and I’m sure they both drive Mrs. AP crazy.  Sometimes, truly, I don’t know how she puts up with me.  It must be love.

First point, I have absolutely no fear of my own orgasmic fluids.  We are very familiar, my semen and I, and not just in the role of my built in generation, storage,and delivery systems.  From the masturbatory heavy years of my teenage year I have been sampling my own fluids by various means.  Sometimes there’s been a little left after orgasm that begins to drip out as return to a flaccid state.  No worries; just a quick flick of the finger from tip to mouth, and that drip is gone.  Other times, when poor planning has resulted in no safe place to spill my seed without making an inopportune mess, I’ve done my best to catch everything in my hand.  But wait, there’s still no way to clean up!  Still no worries; a quick lick clean and I can wash my hands in short order (please note, this is exclusively a case of being in bed, tired, aroused, and not wanting to leave the comfort of the sheets and pillows.  Not in public.  Ick!).  The most unusual method, however, has come from those times when I’ve had the strong urge to be with another man but had no means to tend to this urge.  In these instances I’ve cleared the bed of pillows, brought myself near to the point of no return and then acrobatically, with my head on the bed, swung my legs up over my head to rest my feet against the headboard.  Hips above my head, cock pointing at my face, I have finished my self-love making, firing long-range from above directly into my mouth.  My aim is generally quite accurate, and the sheets are never the wiser.

So why, then, if I am so familiar with my own taste do I hesitate to eat a creampie?  I love the taste of Mrs. AP; she’s light and flowery with hints of vanilla and jasmine and an undercurrent of musk that is decidedly female and uniquely her.  I could nestle my tongue between her legs and feast until my jaw and tongue can no longer move.  Why, then, the hesitancy to slip down after I’ve exploded inside her and drink of the cocktail we’ve mixed together?  It’s not like I don’t like it; the times I have she’s tasted amazing and I can drive her to some incredible orgasms.  No, my problem is with beginning the act, as if it is something from which I must shy away.  I don’t understand it, but I want to overcome it.

Secondly, I am no stranger to my own backside.  For a very long time I have played with the various sensations that can be caused by relaxing, by rubbing, and by inserting objects gently.  During my early 20s I would often borrow my girlfriend’s vibrator, cover it in a condom, and with some generous lube slowly slide all 8 inches into my ass.  With a towel on the chair and some porn on the monitor I would bounce on the cyberskin cock in my ass while stroking my cock, and the orgasms would be explosive enough to register on the Richter Scale.  After we separated I purchased the Kobe Tai Anal Adventure Kit and spent many a long shower playing with the various sleeves before painting the side of the tub with my climactic release.  I know the force of my release increases dramatically when my ass is being stimulated.

Why, then, am I so hesitant to have Mrs. AP play with my ass?  She’s used toys on me a few times before.  The gloves that she wears when she fingers my ass feel divine, and with just the right combination of ass fucking and cock stroking she’s had me explode so forcefully I’ve painted the headboard.  The one time she’s pegged me so far we hit this rhythm where it felt like I was going to cum just from the way she fucked me, because damn, can that woman work a cock like she has one of her own.  I know, with no doubt, that I love it once she gets started.  So why am I so hesitant to ask?  When she brings it up, why do I turn down the offer more often than not?  What’s holding my back from exploring all of the pleasure I know she can, and wants, to give me?

I suspect once I understand what’s holding me back a great many other things will open up to me as well.


Stay SINful, friends.


13 responses

  1. I have very similar issues. I started the trick of rolling up on my shoulders to aim for my mouth during masturbation when I was in my teens, though it took years to not turn my head at the last second resulting in a painted cheek, but over time, I came to enjoy it. The idea of a cream pie has been a life long fantasy. With my first real sex partner, I convinced her to actually force me by the shoulders down to her filled pussy as soon as I came. Technically, I have done it, but the few times have been because I was “helped” by that girlfriend.

    I know for a fact that I would go down on my wife or another woman who was filled by another man, but when it is my seed involved, I immediately lose all interest in the idea. One of life’s mysteries!

    July 18, 2012 at 7:18 am

    • Life’s mysteries indeed!

      It’s a bit of a relief to find that I’m not the only one who’s bent himself in half to get a taste of himself. For YEARS anybody I told looked at me like I’d suddenly turned into Gollum. Thank you, sir! You’re a kindred spirit indeed!

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      July 22, 2012 at 2:38 am

  2. You know, as a submissive woman, I find I often turn away ideas that I would enjoy when they are presented as options. It’s far easier for me to say “Nah, that’s okay,” when asked “Would you like me to..(x)” But if he presents it as something he would like – “I would like to..” or “I want you to,” then it’s my joy to go with it.

    He knows what I like, and I’d pretty much like anything all the time – but I really hate feeling like anything is extra work for him or that he’s doing it solely for my benefit. Could some of your refusals be stemming from that place?

    July 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    • Possibly… I don’t life feeling selfish about anything, even though I know Mrs. AP will gladly take pleasure in bringing me pleasure. There’s something in my head that’s clearly blocking me from something I already know I enjoy, I just have to dig it loose and exorcise it. Thank you for the perspective! You’ve got me thinking along lines I haven’t followed much before.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      July 22, 2012 at 2:40 am

  3. kinkydesoto

    Interesting post. I can identify with it in a number of ways. It makes sense, though, that even if you enjoy certain aspects of play, that related ones may seem unappealing. If you had told me a few years ago, that I would love licking MYC’s asshole, I would have said you were crazy, because I did NOT like it when I tried it with the husband. Now, I crave licking MYC there. You and Mrs. AP are amazing. I truly enjoy your SINful blog.

    July 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    • Thank you, Kinky! You’re right, something unappealing with one partner can become a craving with another. I was never big on using only my fingers with some previous partners, as they were largely unresponsive. Mrs. AP is incredibly responsive, AND I get to kiss her while feeding my own craving. Evolution of self is incredible, don’t you think?

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      July 22, 2012 at 2:42 am

  4. Ooh, if you figure it out, be sure to let me know… you already know my reluctance to swallow and it took me over 10 years to ask for a repeat performance of my first spanking, despite the fact that it blew my mind.

    July 18, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    • Speaking of your reluctance to swallow, check SINful Recommendations. There’s a link there you may find of interest. And yes, once I get my stuff figured out I’ll let you )and th rest of my SINful friends) know.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      July 18, 2012 at 4:06 pm

  5. Mr. AP,

    Just a thought, but you may reluctant to be eat / lick your own cream pie because you have just had an orgasm. I know immediately following an orgasm that I am game to get SM over the edge (if she has not already beaten me there), but beyond that, I am spent and could not think of initiating another sex act for at least 15 minutes.

    As far as anal play, is it a gender role issue? Maybe you see it as a mans job to pleasure your ass. Just speculating. You may want to spend some quality time thinking about what roles you see various partners in and whether you just want to suck a man or have him penetrate you.

    I am not much into ass play, but when SM puts the right pressure on my perineum I have an explosive orgasm.

    Mr. No Name

    July 18, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    • Mr. NN, I love it when you pop in for a thought. Thank you.

      I’m not always exhausted, though, and often can easily go for another round with barely a break after the first one. (Yes, I will savor this as long as it’s possible!) Nevertheless, even when I’m up for other things, I still become hesitant at the silent thought of going down immediately. It’s something more of mental block that I badly want to overcome.

      As for the pegging, Mrs. AP looks incredibly hot when her hips flex to drive into me, and ohhh, the wonderful things that movement does to her breasts. She’s stunning all the time, but her beauty seems to kick into overdrive in that moment. I just need to suck it up and submit, I think.

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      July 22, 2012 at 2:46 am

  6. freakyv

    I tried to comment on this on Friday but my phone wouldn’t let me!

    This post had me hot and worked up!! I called Swinger to see if he had ever got into the same position and tried to swallow his cum. He said he had actually tried but wasn’t able to. I would find it so hot to watch a man do that! But then again, I have bisexual fantasy s about men, so it makes sense that would turn me on.

    Swinger had talked about doing a cream pie, but he is normally spent afterwords! Me, I just rather be fisted after I am full of cum!

    I think MNN is right, I think you are seeing people in different roles and that is why you don’t ask Mrs AP for more ass play!

    July 22, 2012 at 12:18 am

    • Oh FV, your phone is always comment-blocking you. I think it’s a sadist and wants you to suffer! 😉

      Glad to know I could feed some of your ardor. It’s always a pleasure to help.

      I don’t think I’ve ever fisted Mrs. AP after our first-round session. Sounds like something work exploring.

      I wish it was as easy as you and Mr. NN being onto something, but the idea didn’t trigger a reflexive recognition in me, so I’m thinking either I’ve blocked the root cause too strongly for your ideas to resonate or something else is the culprit here. Looks like more introspection for me!

      Stay SINful
      Mr. AP

      July 22, 2012 at 2:50 am

  7. sanctionofthevictim

    Mr. AP,

    I’m very happy I’ve found your blog. I started eating the creampies my wife and I produce, first once a few years ago (on her request), then just recently a repeat. Since that repeat, I’ve eaten evey drop I can. It’s the most erotic thing I’ve done with her by far. Also, you are striking a familiar chord in my life with the ass play. I want it sooo bad but am having a hard time letting her know that. Her pegging me is a goal. Your writing about the anxiety it spot on.

    I’ve started blogging about these kinks too. Stop by if you want, leave a comment.


    August 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

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