Idealizing the Dream
I’m a reader. Always have been, as far back as I can remember. Sitting down to breakfast I’d read the back of the cereal box, and when that ran out I’d read the sides. I started bringing a book to the table as soon as I could, to the point where I clearly remember reading at the table out at restaurants back during my elementary school years while waiting for my food to arrive. At any given time I’m usually reading at least one book, sometimes 2 or 3. With the advent of eReader software on my Android phone I can keep that limited to one book at a time and get through each one faster, but before then I used to have my “reading at work” book and my “reading at home” book. It’s one of the reasons I love finding a good blog so much; I get something entertaining, engaging, and inspirational to read. Such blogs are key reasons behind Mrs. AP and I taking the plunge to start our own online digest of our thoughts at adventures.
Mrs. AP shares my love of reading, and much to our non-surprise we like many of the same authors and themes. We both came into the relationship with a love of the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton. Sure, there are vampires and werewolves and everything else that is popular in op culture now, regardless of the fact that the first book in the (now 21 book) series was published in 1993. For those keeping score at home, that is the year before the film version of Interview With The Vampire was released.) What is also heavily present in the majority of the last half of the series so far is that the main character has an incredibly active sex life with her multiple boyfriends. She struggles with the moral implications of dating multiple men, of fucking multiple men, and after several books finally comes to accept that she does love — and often deeply — multiple men at once. It was this series that served as my backdrop to Polyamory long before I knew the name for the term, and in fact still serves (perhaps naively) as the best working example I know of how to maintain an open and positive Poly household.
In the most recent release, the main character has a few chapters early on with two of her main boyfriends where she releases her life is incredibly fulfilled by all the men in her life in different ways but most fulfilled when it’s just that small trio. While I realize for the novelization purposely, for both profit and story telling models, must romanticize and idealize such a relationship structure, it still makes me think back to when Mrs. AP and I first started dating, when I was trying to date both her and her husband at the same time, and how I felt she and I worked hard to make the 3 of us a working, equal Triad. I realized, seeing the three characters in the book, that I was searching for that perfect example, that idealized Triad, and that my search continues.
Make no mistake, Mrs. AP absolutely and completely satisfies me heart, mind, body, and soul. I’ve never met anybody more perfect for me, and I know she’ll read this and doubt ever so slightly that there’s no way I can mean those words and still want somebody else to join us, to make our 2 a 3 or 4 or more. The thing of it is, I don’t feel unfulfilled or incomplete when it’s just Mrs. AP and me. Everything feels quite complete and perfect. Thinking of somebody else joining us doesn’t bring about a deep, soul-hurt kind of longing like I felt before she and I found each other. What thinking of somebody else joining us long-term, of integrating into our family as an extension of and addition to the wonderful family we have become does bring about is a feeling of extra-ness; like adding the centerpiece that makes the place setting on the table really pop. The setting is complete without the centerpiece, but boy, look how adding it really brings a new dimension to the table.
Yes, I sometimes miss the feel of a man I love and trust snuggled into me. I miss the way Mrs. AP’s face lights up looking at somebody else and knowing she’ll do the exact same thing for me, just with a slightly different flavor. I miss the camaraderie of the three of us, of being able to exchange knowing glances in public without anybody the wiser. It’s not that I need it, not the way I need and crave Mrs. AP, but I still want that idealized triadic relationship. I want the extra, the centerpiece, the icing on the cake.
Maybe it’s time Mrs. AP and I start being more actively social, get out from behind the glow of the monitors , go meet some like-minded people, and see what comes of it.
Stay SINful, friends