An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Archive for June, 2012

Dressing the Part

When it comes to any event, it’s always best to dress in accordance with the accepted norms for the event.  Just as one would not wear a bikini to a formal event or vice versa, one should be mindful of the proper attire when visiting a place like Eyz Wide Shut.   While EWS is a Swinger’s Club and the idea is to “dress to impress”, everybody has a different idea of just what exactly that entails.  EWS attempts to make this easier for attendees by laying out a dress code that is, I expect, very similar to other similar establishments.  As they outline in their Dress Code portion of the FAQ, men and women should wear as follows:

Women

  • Business Casual
  • Sexy Dresses
  • Stylish Jeans
  • Dress Pants
  • Heels, Sandals, or Dress Shoes

Men

  • Business Casual
  • Collar / Tailored Shirts or Pullovers
  • Stylish Jeans
  • Dress Pants
  • Dress Shoes

This all sounds simple, right?  It’s general Club Attire, designed to catch the eye and let others know how ready to play one might be.  But what if your idea of Club Attire is different from the norm?  What if the only club you’ve ever frequented, in fact the only club where you’ve ever felt a sense of belonging, has a different sort of dress code?  What then?

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Community

Community.  The word generates a multitude of images, different for each person.  For some it’s the large, bustling neighborhoods of the city.  Elsewhere, it’s the sprawling lands of the loosely populated rural areas where everybody knows not only their own neighbor but everyone else’s as well.  Still other images are those of closed religious communities, huddled inside their compounds isolated from the western world.  There’s the Amish, or the Native American, or the Hispanic communities as well; anybody in Pennsylvania, the Great Plains, or Miami can attest to the feeling of unity and togetherness found within those groups.  In all examples, the people can easily gather and rally to support and improve their community.  But what about us on the fringe, who are connected not by physical proximity but by interest and lifestyle?  How do we go about cultivating, growing, and maintaining our communities?

In Tampa, all three of the Lifestyle communities — Swinger, Fetish/BDSM, and Polyamory — have relatively large and active populations.  In many instances there is overlap between two of three of these communities, although I believe that overlap exists more greatly between Fetish and Poly than between any other combination.  In part, I think, this is attributable to the fact that both Fetish/BDSM and Poly are more intrinsically built around developing longer relationships and exploring the boundaries of those relationships, which takes time.  This is not to say that Swinger and Fet  or Swinger and Poly cannot or do not overlap; there is certainly a fair amount of partner swapping among BDSM play partners, and several Poly people visit Swinger events.  I simply have not seen the evidence of as wide a crossover in those categories, at least not here.  In other places it may be different.  Which brings us back to the question, how do we explore and improve these communities?

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When it Rains…

We all know the saying, right?  It’s all too applicable tonight.  As I type this, Tropical Storm Debby is nearly stationary in the northeast Gulf of Mexico.  The feeder bands from the storm are pounding the Tampa – Clearwater – St. Petersburg statistical metropolitan area.  The rain has been nearly constant for over 24 hours, possibly 36.

As a naturalized Floridian (I’ve been living here almost a decade, I have to count myself as one now) I am accustomed to named storms hitting Florida.  I was living in Orlando in 2004 when we were hit by 3 hurricanes in 4 weeks.  When a storm rolls through quickly it can do some decent damage, but at least it passes.  This thing has just been sitting and doesn’t look like it’s moving anywhere soon.  Some forecasts estimate Debby will sit where she is another 2 days.

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Why I Came Out

I make no secret in this space that I consider myself Bi/Queer.   Comments I’ve made on other blogs hold this fact in no secret either.  While it took me some time to become comfortable with this aspect of my personality and my being, it took me much longer to fully come out, despite the the fact that I knew growing up that I liked boys and girls alike.  I first started with very close friends in my early-mids 20’s, and I was up-front about it with my now ex-wife when she and I began dating.  For nearly a decade, though, I held that part of myself secret from my parents and my brother.  I knew, considering the environment in which I was raised and the religious proclivities of my parents, that such a revelation would prove disastrous to our relationship.  Despite the very Christian claims of “Love the Sinner, hate the Sin” I knew from my experience in my early 20’s of my parents finding out that I don’t consider myself Christian that the amount of preaching about my “choices” would be a large contingent of every conversation we had for months, if not years, after I told them.  I knew they would withdraw from me, and I from them; that I would, in effect, lose my family.  Why, knowing this ahead of time, would I choose to come out instead of just keeping things quiet and following the established protocols?  Why would I choose to alienate myself from people who might not be able to handle the news?

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If the car is a rockin…

Mrs. AP and I are in the market for a new vehicle.  We’re limited on the income scale at the moment, so we’re looking more for used, but it occurs to me that we can be looking for a perk benefit in whatever vehicle we do pick.  So, with that in mind…

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When Size Does Matter

Ask nearly every male who is sexually active — or who wishes he were — what his primary concern is relating to sexual performance and his answer will relate to the size of the package in his pants.   In a 2006 survey by UCLA, 66% of men thought themselves to be of average length (girth was not measured) and 45% of wished they were (as Tom Hanks once said) bigger.  Conversely, 85% of women respondents reported there respective partners parts were average or large and were quite happy with the state of things.  This tells us that we men worry about the size of our wee men more than our female counterparts do, but it doesn’t answer the question most men are asking at this point: What exactly IS the average size?

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SINful Friends Are Awesome

Thank you, SINful friends.  The many of you who visited and visited and revisited again yesterday kicked my page views to nearly 200 for the day, a number I never expected to see after only 60 posts.  While I’m sure it will be some time again before I see such a thing, I wanted to let you all know that I appreciate the attention and love and support.   This may be my own little venting / therapy / expository corner of the internet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like the company.  All of you, and the wonderful community built of you, makes this endeavor far more fun and enjoyable than it would be otherwise.  Many thanks.

 

Stay SINful, friends.


When a Unicorn isn’t a Unicorn

There’s a term nearly everybody in the Swinger world, the BDSM world, and the Polyamorous world is familiar with, summarized in one neat, pretty, sparkly mental image of one word: Unicorn.  On the surface it’s a simple term, relating to the mythical creature of lore that is rumored to exist but is nearly impossible to find.  Furthermore, once found, it’s nearly impossible to keep, for after all, nobody can really own a unicorn.  Anybody who’s ever seen the film Legend knows that much.

There becomes a problem of definition among different groups, though.  I didn’t know this until recently, when a discussion broke out among several discussion groups on FetLife.  When “The Group” was asked to provide a definition of a Unicorn, the responses that came back astounded me.  The most broad definition (and the one with which I was most familiar) is a single woman who is willing and eager to join an existing couple for sexual escapades.  Turns out, among some circles, this definition is far too broad and is refined to the point so that nearly nobody could ever be found to meet it.  For example, one person (and I paraphrase) said that a true Unicorn is a young, naive, beautiful woman who agrees to move in with a couple sight unseen to be a sub/slave to the Dom Master male of the house, is only allowed to engage in sex acts with the Dom Master male unless he specifically orders her to engage in sex acts with other females in the house.  I was floored.  I never thought to include such restrictive terms in the definition, much less construe the chutzpah it would take to tell a woman that I could play with other vaginas but she was limited to only a single penis.  The lack of balance there is astounding.  But it got me thinking, if somebody can define a Unicorn in this fashion, are there other unexplored definitions that could come to be applied?

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Ownership and Love

It’s a cliched phrase we’ve heard thrown around for as long as we can remember.  “I belong to you.”  Boyz II Men included that phrase in the chorus of their song “End of the Road.”   Whitney Houston, Lenny Kravitz, and Muse each have songs by that name.  We love to use the phrase as a declaration of how deeply and completely we are devoted to another person, but is that all there is to it?  Are we truly trying to say, in effect, “you own me?”

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Idealizing the Dream

I’m a reader.  Always have been, as far back as I can remember.  Sitting down to breakfast I’d read the back of the cereal box, and when that ran out I’d read the sides.  I started bringing a book to the table as soon as I could, to the point where I clearly remember reading at the table out at restaurants back during my elementary school years while waiting for my food to arrive.  At any given time I’m usually reading at least one book, sometimes 2 or 3.  With the advent of eReader software on my Android phone I can keep that limited to one book at a time and get through each one faster, but before then I used to have my “reading at work” book and my “reading at home” book.  It’s one of the reasons I love finding a good blog so much; I get something entertaining, engaging, and inspirational to read.  Such blogs are key reasons behind Mrs. AP and I taking the plunge to start our own online digest of our thoughts at adventures.

Mrs. AP shares my love of reading, and much to our non-surprise we like many of the same authors and themes.  We both came into the relationship with a love of the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton.  Sure, there are vampires and werewolves and everything else that is popular in op culture now, regardless of the fact that the first book in the (now 21 book) series was published in 1993.  For those keeping score at home, that is the year before the film version of Interview With The Vampire was released.)  What is also heavily present in the majority of the last half of the series so far is that the main character has an incredibly active sex life with her multiple boyfriends.  She struggles with the moral implications of dating multiple men, of fucking multiple men, and after several books finally comes to accept that she does love — and often deeply — multiple men at once.  It was this series that served as my backdrop to Polyamory long before I knew the name for the term, and in fact still serves (perhaps naively) as the best working example I know of how to maintain an open and positive Poly household.

In the most recent release, the main character has a few chapters early on with two of her main boyfriends where she releases her life is incredibly fulfilled by all the men in her life in different ways but most fulfilled when it’s just that small trio.  While I realize for the novelization purposely, for both profit and story telling models, must romanticize and idealize such a relationship structure, it still makes me think back to when Mrs. AP and I first started dating, when I was trying to date both her and her husband at the same time, and how I felt she and I worked hard to make the 3 of us a working, equal Triad.  I realized, seeing the three characters in the book, that I was searching for that perfect example, that idealized Triad, and that my search continues.

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A Love Letter – A Promise

Mrs. AbsinthePassion,

When you first found me I was broken, defeated, lonely and abused.  You brought a joy and light into my life that I thought gone forever, and in your tough, hard, no-nonsense approach to helping me see my plight you showed me what love — true, deep, caring, unyielding love — is really like.  You pushed me to be better, you insisted I make myself better, and I truly am the better for it.

I love you, Mrs. AP.  You fill my world, you light my fire, you inspire my sexiest thoughts and my naughtiest dreams.  You bring about my tenderness, my caring, my lust, and my deepest satisfaction.  I am more of who I should be because of you.  I don’t want to be any other way, and better still, I cannot contemplate a rich and successful life without you beside me as my partner and my wife.

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To Scratch That Itch

SINful friends, it’s been some time since a proper update from me, and for that I do apologize.  Mrs. AP and I have been kept busy the past 3 – 4 weeks trying to scramble to find a new place, pack, and pull off the move without absolutely killing ourselves.  With a great deal of stubbornness, perseverance, and a miracle or two we managed, but not without consequence.  We’re both quite sore several days later, and we both remain exhausted.  Even so, we’re faced with a new place in which we must unpack our belongings and start downsizing; as it was we filled a 17 foot U-Haul truck floor to ceiling, front to back.  For a family of 5 — we’re sans roommates now! — this is just too much, both to move and to fit in our new, smaller place.

In the middle of the move Mrs. AP pulled me aside and informed me that she’d been having some mental hangups and possessive feelings when it came to sharing me but that those had now passed.  The next day she told me she’d had a very arousing dream involving another couple we know.  She got all cute and shy and embarrassed when I started asking about it.  (I love how she can be cute and demure and shy discussing things out of bed but be absolutely into it and up for anything once the ice gets broken and cloths start coming off.)  The most I was able to get out of her was that “we all did everything two couples can do.”

In my mind this can be a veritable smorgasbord of sexual activity, and several of my fantasies (see here) came flooding into my head.  I pictured bodies moving and mouths exploring and hands caressing and haven’t been able to get the images out of my head, which tells me two very important things:

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30 Days of Truth, Day 30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

We’ve reached the end of our journey here in the 30 Days of Truth series!  I know it’s taken longer than 30 days, but life has a way of interfering sometimes.  Anyway, on to the finale!

 

Day 30

A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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30 Days of Truth, Day 29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

This is the next to last update in the 30 Days of Truth series!  It’s been tough at times but we’re almost done!

 

Day 29

Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

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30 Days of Truth, Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

We’re in the final stretch of the 30 Days of Truth series!  Only 3 posts remain!  Let’s finish this thing strong!

 

Day 28

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

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