An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Bi-Curious Doesn’t Exist

I have a bone to pick with every person out there on dating sites, swinger sites, BDSM sites, Adult Sites, and every other site in which one or more people are looking to find somebody sitting within a particular category or another of sexual or gender identity.  For years, this term Bi-Curious has been available as an option, as if to indicate that a person is uncertain about one’s own proclivities until experience has been gained.  This is the underlying concept with which I disagree, and the more I think about it, the stronger that disagreement becomes.

The whole concept behind Bi-Curious is that one does not “Really Know” if one likes members of the same sex until one has attempted some sort of sexual interaction.  This concept is bullshit.  Complete, utter, inane, homophobic bullshit.

You may be thinking, “but that can’t be bullshit!  How can you really know until you try it?”  You want to know how?  You really need me to tell you how the label of Bi-Curious is an stinking pile of logical fallacy?

The answer is very simply found in comparison to the extremely-heteronormative culture that has conveniently decided what terms are safe for consumption; when has there ever been somebody claiming to be Straight-Curious?  Or, for that matter, when has anybody been called Gay-Curious?  Why is the requirement that only with experience can the Curious portion of the label be dropped applied only to those who identify as Bi?

I don’ care if you’re Bi, Gay, Straight, Queer, Pan, Flexible, or anywhere else on the very fluid and dynamic scale of human sexuality; when you develop an attraction for somebody, you know that attraction exists before the first sexual experience with that person.  Hell, you know before the first kiss, even before the first time you hold hands.  Your pulse quickens, your temperature rises, and your thoughts are flooded with the preoccupation with that person.  There is no curiosity about the attraction at that point, only about the many wonderful ways that attraction can be explored.  If you’re a guy who has experience with women but is also drawn to men and wonders how a cock in the mouth feels, you are not Bi-Curious but are Bisexual without experience.  You are no more curious about your sexual attraction than the straight girl who’s never dated or fooled around; both of you want experience with a guy, you just don’t have it yet.

Yes, the term Bisexual must be used more broadly in this sense.  I embrace and encourage that shift.  I am tired of reading and watching and hearing an entire subset of the LGBTQ community belittled and ostracized over lack of experience.  Bi people generally have a difficult enough time as it is dealing both with straight and gay friends and/or lovers trying to force a choice one way or the other, insisting it’s just a passing phase, or immediately jumping on the “now we can have a threesome” bandwagon.  None of the approached show any respect for the person struggling with understanding these feelings.

Bisexuality is an attraction to members of both males and females.  No lack of experience either way changes that.


Stay SINful, friends.


9 responses

  1. thesecond

    So basically, it’s wrong to push bisexuals to pick one side or be told it’s a phase, but it’s right to push bicurious people to pick one side or be told it’s a phase. Because there are some vague emotional reasons that bisexuali is a reasonable label but bicurious is an unreasonable label. Got it.

    May 30, 2012 at 10:34 am

    • The label of Bi-Curious is a misnomer. The concept is built upon the logical fallacy that one can only be Curious until one has experience. If this argument is extended to be inclusive of every person, nobody can be Straight or Gay until the first interpersonal sexual experience. All the preceding fantasies, desires, urges, daydreams, wistful thinkings, and crushes simply… don’t count.

      Why should the Bisexual person have to legitimize desires and urges by meeting somebody else’s standard of The Way It’s Done? Why are the feelings felt prior to that first time with somebody (of either sex) diminished simply because they are felt for both genders? Why can somebody be a Gay Virgin, or a Straight Virgin, but only be Bi-Curious if still a Bi-Virgin? It’s an inherently incorrect double-standard that, frankly, displays intolerance.

      May 30, 2012 at 10:53 am

      • thesecond

        The word bicurious isn’t especially well defined. It’s normally just used for someone who mostly has straight or gay desires but sometimes has other desires. Bisexual light. There’s no need to force them into a label.

        I know a girl who calls herself bicurious because she sometimes makes out with girls say. I know another who was bicurious because she said yes to a threesome. She’d try anything once. There’s no real clearly defined notion that you have to get to know the other sex to be bicurious. You can have sex with the same sex and still be curious.

        If having bisexual experiences stopped you being bicurious that would destroy the main point of the label, to allow people with bisexual desires to have fun without changing their sexual identity much.

        A person who was straight or gay light one would probably call themselves asexual. People without core romantic or sexual or both desires are normally called asexual. Or demi sexual. Or whatever.

        May 30, 2012 at 11:55 am

  2. What’s in a name anyway? Bi curious lets someone identify themselves as bisexual without experience. It is like the term “soft swap” which allows a new couple to fool around without getting fucked (literally). We like the term in somuch as it lets SM know that the lady is willing, but unlikely to initiate contact.

    It may not be the right term, but it does give you perspective on their level of experience.

    Mr. No Name

    May 30, 2012 at 8:52 pm

  3. Mrs. AbsinthePassion

    I have to agree with my better half on this. A teenager whom as never experienced a sexual act is not Straight – Curious or Gay-Curious..

    The word “Curious” it self means : ADJECTIVE
    (from Latin curiosus “careful, diligent, curious,” akin to cura “care”) is an emotion related to natural inquisitive behavior such as exploration, investigation, and learning, evident by observation in human and many animal species. The term can also be used to denote the behavior itself being caused by the emotion of curiosity. As this emotion represents a drive to know new things, curiosity is a major driving forces behind scientific research and other disciplines of human study.

    Using the GIVEN and accepted for and meaning of this word its and ACTION and a State of mind. You CANT NOT be an adjective but you CAN do and adjective.

    I agree again with my beloved in that its a misnomer. I also believe that it does a GREAT disservice to the community as a whole. It is used more times then not to “allow” for silly antics of sorority girls or drunk females at bars.

    IF people need a “label” or term for someone that does not QUITE see them selves as Bisexual but maybe has some draw to the same sex.. I stand behind ” Heteroflexible ” I , myself use this label. I do find a RARE female attractive to the point where I would engage in a sexual act or even a relationship with them. I am NOT attracted to 98% of women there for I do not identify with being Bi-sexual as my other half does.

    May 31, 2012 at 11:36 am

  4. I completely agree 😉

    June 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm

  5. Glad I ran across this one. I think later, I will blog about this. I have questions on my profiles whether to put bi or bi curious. Which I will think over and post about in the future.

    June 27, 2012 at 8:10 pm

  6. Pingback: Bi-Curious Doesn't Exist « AbSINthePassion | Blog Bisexual - All Bisexual Blogs, Articles, Discussions & Posts

  7. Pingback: Bisexual: Breaking Binary Barriers « AbSINthePassion

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