30 Days of Truth, Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
In an effort to catch up, here’s another 30 Days of Truth entry hot on the heels of the previous entry! Madness! Insanity! Mayhem! Sounds like fun, right?
Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Not to sound obvious on this one, but hello, I was a teenager! I was confused and struggling and wrapped in turmoil and wanted to give up probably every other week for about 6 years!
In all seriousness, because I know just how deathly serious truly wanting to end it all can be, my darkest teenage years were my high school years. I didn’t quite fit in with the kids who grew up in the city, as I moved in just prior to my Sophomore year. Furthermore, as I’ve mentioned in other posts, I knew I was bi/queer, but had absolutely no safe outlet for that while being in the Buckle of the Bible Belt. The combined frustration and despair of having no real friends, no way to explore the sides of me I wanted to explore, and parents who were very Christian left me very often sitting on the roof above my window looking up at the stars and wondering how nice it would be if it would all just end. More than once I walked to the very top of the roof and stood at the edge, looking down, wondering if I could just fall forward.
To everybody out there — straight, gay, bi, queer, pan, etc. — believe me, it gets better. Life as a teenager is full of frustration and confusion and societal expectations and school cliques and teachers and parents and classmates and peers who just do not fucking get it. It sucks when it happens that way. It’s awesome when you find that one person who cares, who connects, and who wants to help you explore everything about yourself in a safe, caring, and loving way. If you find that person, or that person finds you, embrace and accept that person.
The other dark time in my life was near the end of my marriage. I reached the point where all my attempts to discuss problems were dismissed — where my innate value as a human was dismissed — and I was struggling just to get through each day. My only happy moments were away from my wife, and just the knowledge that she was on the way home sent me spiraling back down into despair. It was a very cold, dark, hopeless place, but I worked up the nerve to leave before I let it suck me down beyond recovery.
I hope anybody out there in a similar situation, who feels worthless and ignored or abused or neglected by a partner can find a way to find a healthy escape from a bad situation. Every person has an inherent value as a human being, and nobody — not a boyfriend, girlfriend, Master, Sir, Miss, Mistress, Madame, etc — has the right to infringe upon that.
I fought my way out of the darkness twice. I have no intention to ever return.
Stay SINful, friends.