An Absinthe-Loving, Polyamorous, Kinky, Sex-Positive Couple talk about all things Sex, Kink, and LGBTQ.

Relationships are everywhere!

We make no secret about loving sex and kink around here.   After all, we’ve detailed some very personal and intimate details so far.  As part of that love, Mrs. AbsinthePassion and I are often reading such wonderful material as the advice column Savage Love by Dan Savage.  He’s unapologetic, witty, sometimes snarky or catty, but absolutely well educated and spot-on with most of his advice.  Today’s article in particular brought one of the more poignant and relevant letters and responses I’ve seen in his column in awhile, and I want to share with you all.

Dan’s Reader Asks:

Is it possible for a hookup to turn into a relationship?

Hoping One Person Enters

Dan Replies:

A hookup is a relationship, HOPE. It may be a short-term relationship, but it’s a relationship regardless.

And, yes, a short-term hookup can turn into a long-term relationship, HOPE, but not if you’re treating your hookups like shit (because they’re only hookups!) and not if you’re willing to let the people you hook up with treat you like shit (because you’re only a hookup). Treat your hookups like people you might actually see again—like human beings with human feelings, not just human holes and/or poles—and you might actually see them again.

You might even wind up in a long-term relationship.

Now, sometimes people hook up with strangers precisely because they wanna have sex with someone they don’t know and don’t expect to see again. And that’s not always a bad idea: Having sex with someone who you don’t expect to see again can be very liberating. A girl who can’t let herself go with a guy she’s dating—maybe she fears being slut- or nympho-shamed by a boyfriend—will grind the dick off a hookup. And it can be easier to ask someone you don’t expect to see again to do something kinky. Say a straight boy has always wanted a girl to put him in her panties and peg his ass. He could ask a girlfriendto do that for him, sure, but the stakes are higher. What if she freaks out and dumps him, and blabs to her friends—and his—about why she dumped him?

People who divide the fuckable world into those they care about (and can’t open up to sexually) and those they don’t care about (and can open up to sexually but won’t date) wind up having awesome sex with people they don’t know and lousy sex with people they marry. That’s not a good strategy for anyone interested in a successful—and sexually fulfilling—long-term relationship.

So here’s what you should do, HOPE: Be uninhibited with your hookups while treating them like people you might actually see again, and insist on being treated that way in return. Don’t hook up with people who treat you like shit; don’t treat the people you hook up with like shit. Even if you know you’re not going to see someone again—maybe they’re not someone you would date, or circumstances are such that you couldn’t date them even if you wanted to (business trip, European vacation, spring break, etc.)—treat your hookups with kindness, respect, and gratitude.

Finally, HOPE, some people treat hookups like shit—only after they’ve come, natch—because they want their hookups to understand that they’re not interested in a relationship. That’s not just assholery, assholes, it’s completely unnecessary assholery. If someone was kind enough to suck your dick or fuck your brains out—if someone hooked up with your ass—a little kindness and consideration isn’t too much to ask. If you’re worried that your hookup might misinterpret “kindness and consideration” for “I want to be with you forever,” tell them—gently and directly—that you’re not interested in a relationship.

In the ever-swirling world of human sexual interaction, whether it’s Swinging or Fetish Clubs or Polyamory or college hookups or casual dating or serial monogamists, or whatever other flavor of sex you order, the points Dan make are always important to remember.  I don’t always focus on the person; in fact, in fantasy and in planning for something like a night out to Eyz Wide Shut I often do forget to think of the other potential partner/s as a person and instead focus on the act.  I am trying to get better about this, and to remember that when faceless He in the fantasy becomes a He in person, He has emotions and reactions, wants and desires at stake in this game too.

It is times like these I think we need to recall one of Dan Savage’s other rules regarding relationships, which I believe he calls the Boy Scout Rule.  The Boy Scout Rule is simple; leave your partner better than you found him/her.  Whether that partner is there for 10 minutes or 10 years, do something to improve that partner (even if all you do is help bring about an earth-shattering orgasm) and do so without judging.

We’re all people.  We all want love and respect, admiration and desire.  When we’re busy fucking each other’s brains out, let’s do so with dignity.

 

Stay SINful, friends.

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