30 Days of Truth, Day 01 : Something you hate about yourself
When Mrs. AP and I came up with the idea for this blog, we were inspired by the likes of Josh and BB and Kissin Blue Karen. We wanted to talk about all our sexy happenings, and the journeys we’ve each taken to get there. With much thanks to Red Region Inferno’s Must Read List for 2011 we stumbled on even more blogs and journals and advice sites than we knew what to do with. Some we liked, some we didn’t, but all were educational. Among some of the ones I devoured was the 30 Days of Truth series.
30 Days of Truth demands openness and honesty of the writer. It is brutal, it is raw, and it is something I am uncomfortable approaching. I despise dealing with my own emotional insecurities. I’ve shied away from doing so ever since I was a small child. Mrs. AP has been helping me see that I cannot hide from myself, that I cannot run from myself, and that to grow as a better person and husband and father and partner I need to face myself head on. 30 Days of Truth will help me do that. And so I begin.
30 Days of Truth.
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself
I can be very self-critical. I once was athletic, and am now not. I hate the way my body has changed. My mental body image is still that of 13 years ago, when I was a Soccer Player and looked it. I hate that I squandered some great academic opportunities because I lacked the emotional maturity to properly handle the situations in which I was placed. I hate that the same lack of emotional maturity led to some bad relationship decisions that will hover over me for the next 16+ years. All of these things I can dwell on and feel pangs of remorse or guilt or regret if I allow myself to do so. Nevertheless, I go most days not thinking of them and operate in a positive manner. Only one thing becomes an issue for me on a daily basis.
I hate that I am not as articulate, confident, bold, and well spoken verbally — naturally — as I am when I write. When I write, be it here or in a letter or responding in one of the FetLife forums, I stand my ground. I make my point, usually with eloquence and substantiated evidence, and I make it well. I present powerful arguments, or wax elegant in my prose. My stories have a flow, a rhythm, a timing that can enrapture and delight. I shine, dancing from word to word with more agility than any Russian ballerina. Imagery explodes from me in verbal locutions dazzling enough to make the most hardened inmate weep.
But in person, I lack this confidence, this bravado that I hold so well in the written word. I become passive. I led others lead the conversation, rarely disagreeing or even bothering to insert an opinion at all. Of to the side I sit, a spectator, even in the midst of heated arguments, waiting for my chance to slip away unnoticed or to possibly become the calming diplomat and resolve the conflict.
I hate that I lack the gumption to step into an argument forcefully and stand my ground. I hate that I crumble, that I acquiesce, that I stop being a leader and become a follower. It’s like something in my brain shifts, and I can only present my arguments properly on paper (or screen, as the world becomes more digital.) I know I can debate well when I am properly prepared. I know my input is valued and well regarded among friends and family. Yet when pressed, I back down. I compromise. I become diplomatic instead of stalwart. This I hate, yet I cannot seem to fix.
Well, not timely so. Mrs. AP has been lovingly working with me since we met to help me become more verbal, more responsive, and less passive. She encourages me to become engaged, and to treat my voice aloud in the same manner I treat my voice written. With her help, I have been improving. I am becoming less withdrawn. I am, slowly, remapping my behavior patterns to be the man I know I can be.
I just hate that it’s taking so long.
Stay SINful, friends.